December 18th, 2012

Back from the dead so to speak, once again. The little man is keeping me very busy. I can’t believe he will be seven months old in a week. He has two teeth already and is teething like mad which makes him very clingy and sometimes a little screaming terror. He is the light of my life though.

It’s cold and dreary. This of course wreaks havoc on my joints. The plaquenil is definitely helping but it’s not like it goes away entirely. I have had some really intense stabbing pains in my fingers and wrists. Both joints in the thumb and the middle knuckles of the pointer, middle and ring finger of both hands. The infamous “T Zone” is really bad. Not as bad as it was, I think the drugs might be working for that too. I also have an exercise the physiotherapist showed me that helps ease the burning/numb feeling. Two doses of Tylenol Arthritis a day is necessary on top of the prescription drugs. I tested the theory a few weeks ago, which I do from time to time to see if I can just run on the prescriptions, it was a bad idea. I will wait until the weather is nice and warm before I even think about trying that again. The usual pain and dull ache in the major joints, certain movements cause a stabbing sensation in my upper back now that actually takes my breath away. Nausea, headaches, anxiety, agoraphobia, depression, the cold that will not end. And speaking of cold there is the cold toes. So cold they hurt, which of course refuse to warm up. Once I do get them warmed up if I uncover them or walk around too long without slippers they go right back to the frozen state. Appetite is minimal. Weight loss is coming slowly. My period is back to it’s usual trying to kill me mode. TMI ALERT: heavy clotted flow for almost the whole week….ugh. I have started getting flaky red spots on my eyebrows and my skull, with full on scaling at times. Looks like psoriasis, told the doc what it looked like (of course it went away by the time I got to the office) and he agreed that’s what it sounded like. It’s coming back again so I’m going to get pictures. Pretty much nails the arthritis down to psoriatic.

That being said the little man keeps me happy. I just snuggle him or play with him and it helps immensely. Doesn’t help with getting out of the house though. I know I really need to get out but it’s hard to get motivated. He needs to get out too but with the weather it’s hard to get around. My usual habit of walking around the mall is impossible right now, too many people, makes for panic attacks, and I have to ativan left. I may feel awful a good portion of the time but life is still good. I have friends and family I love, a roof over my head and food in the cupboards.

And this….

Fin's 1st Remembrance Day

An Explanation for Rape?

**TRIGGER WARNING: RAPE AND SEXUAL ASSAULT**

During my mindless scrolling through my Facebook feed this morning I came across an article by Jezebel entitled “Rapists Explain Themselves on Reddit, and We Should Listen”. Apparently there is a whole page with comments from rapists, both men and women (remember, women can rape too!), with explanations as to why they raped. I read the article, I have NOT gone to the Reddit page nor do I think I will ever do so. The article itself was triggering enough. In fact I’m writing this post to try and quell the panic and anxiety that is building in my chest. I can count on one hand the number if people I have ever told my rape experiences to. Some got the simple answer, “Yes I was raped…” and some got all the nasty details of it. The reason I am writing this post is because I believe that those experiences effected me a lot more then I like to admit and feed my anxiety and depression. And since this blog is about ALL my fun medical conditions it seems like a good idea to discuss it. I haven’t ever really talked about my mental illness on here. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder and Situational Depression (sometimes called Secondary Depression). I digress though. I read the article with the usual amount of rightous outrage that I usually feel when I read such things. I have dealt with a lot of the emotional scars of my experiences but every now and again they surprise me.

It was this quote…

“I’m a good man. I have a wife and a couple of kids now and I’m a good father and husband. I’m a pretty moral guy. But I think the thing that has always stuck with me…is how close I came to actually doing it. If I hadn’t looked up at her face and seen what she was feeling, I might have continued. In my mind, at the time, she wanted it. I can remember staring at the ceiling while on the couch thinking “in a couple of minutes she’s going to come out here and get on top of me.”

and this one…

…It was then I looked at her face. She was petrified. I at that point pulled myself together, rolled off her and apologized. My hormones were RAGING. I asked her why she didn’t want to. I told her what I thought above. She started to cry.

These two are what triggered, what set off the panic and anxiety. See my rape experiences were not what society likes to consider a “clear cut” case of rape. I never said no. I never tried to fight him off. I wasn’t beaten bruised and bloody. It wasn’t some big scary man that did this. It was my boyfriend. Who I loved. And who claimed to love me. And on the occasions where he did take what he wanted, he never looked me in the face. Those words made me feel physically ill.

I think that’s enough for me on this topic for now.

Love, Light and the Blessings of the Ancestors.

February 23rd, 2012

I apologize for the overly long delay. I’ve been tired and sore and quite busy again.

Major Medical Updates:

~Went to see an allergist to confirm my latex sensitivity. Still just contact dermatitis, no actual latex allergy. Still have the severe dust allergy.
~Saw a psychologist to asses my mental condition/illness. The preliminary diagnosis, which she’s pretty much certain on but doesn’t want to say for sure until she’s seen me one more time, is Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder. My Depression is situational, or “secondary” as they like to say in Chronic Pain articles. It springs from circumstances rather than any underlying chemical imbalance. Says that everything seems well controlled, which I agree, and that her main recommendation is good self care. I will see her again in May. The extra fun part is she works with my counselor at St. Paul’s Hospital. I haven’t been able to see my counselor for months because I stopped working, just can’t afford it. The psychologist is going to transfer my files to St. Paul’s so I can see my counselor for free until the baby is a year old. There are also a lot of free resources I can get at the Hospital which is also good.

~Baby seems fine. Moving around like a crazy person. I go for my diabetes test in two weeks. Only thing that is out of the ordinary so far is that I “measured large” for how far along I am. In four weeks when I go back he will check again and if I am still big they will send me for an ultrasound. It could just be a big baby, which is my theory. There is also the possibility of extra fluid in the womb which can just happen sometimes or can be caused by GD. Having a giant baby can also be caused by GD. Like I said, I don’t think I have either, I think it’s just big. Both my family and my husbands family make big babies.

~Now for the ranty bit. My baby doctor got my files from my Rheumatologist accompanied by a note. The files state I definitely have Fibromyalgia and not Rheumatoid Arthritis. Which is good, even though I don’t quite trust it because the Rheumy is an asshat. He told my Mom she needed to lose weight, that’s why her back was hurting so much. She demanded an MRI and he refused, so she had our GP send her to a back specialist who sent her for one. Turns out she has spinal stinosis and just went for surgery a few months ago. If he is definitely right and I don’t have RA that’s great, I don’t actually want it obviously. Doesn’t explain why my GP still mentions my RA when I am there and when he wrote me off for my sick leave he wrote a flare in FM AND RA as the reason. The note mentions that the Rheumy was “under the impression” that I was already taking Plaquenil. Which I totally wasn’t. When I saw him last a year ago he told me to get more exercise, that there was nothing he could do for me and to not come back. So now I feel like my Baby Doctor thinks I’m a crazy person. I’m SO SICK AND TIRED of just being brushed off. I just want some straight answers. Is that too much to ask? As far as the Plaquenil goes, turns out that I WAS taking it…almost two years ago…which wasn’t helping, so the Rheumy TOLD me to stop taking it. Now the fact that it didn’t help lends more weight to the “only” FM diagnosis. But how can he not remember what he prescribed me and what he told me to stop taking?? And this doesn’t explain why Celebrex works to a certain degree. If it’s NOT an inflammatory condition how does a major anti-inflammatory help? Unless FM IS a inflammatory condition…I can’t remember right now. Anyways, I’m stuck with my current pain levels. Since the RA diagnosis was “negative” the Baby Doctor did not offer prednisone like he said he might. Which on one hand is good since I don’t want to take steroids when pregnant. But I was really hoping I could get some relief. I’m not going to remove myself from the arthritis groups I am part of, regardless of diagnosis I know people with the disease so I can still show my support. I will stop tagging with “arthritis” and “rheumatoid arthritis” for now though.

 

As far as the last week or so has gone, I’ve been pretty up and down, following the weather as usual. Last two days weren’t too bad because of the sun. The three or four days before that were really bad because it was rainy and cold. Had to bring out the cane again. I’m going to do my best to report every day again, even if it is just pain levels and location. My “nesting instinct” is pretty hard core right now. On days where I feel decent I’ve been cleaning like crazy. My hips and lower back have been pretty stiff and sore but I figure that has a lot to do with the baby. I’m developing a pretty nasty head ache right now. We will see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully I will be feeling less cranky.

Pain: 6.5-7

Pain Management/Meds: stretching, short walk/1 Wellbutrin

Supplements: 1 Vit D, 1 Folic Acid

Mood: 5-7