Ugh. That is the word of the day. It’s hot, we are having a heat wave this weekend. Highs in the 30C area, at night it’s about 15-20C. Wreaks havoc with my chronic illness. The kids had a rough week, the older is still having sleeping/eating/meltdown issues as well as teething (he lost his first tooth and the adult tooth replacing it is coming in fast), the younger is teething and growing so eating and waking a lot. My Mom brought me her old mobility scooter now that we’ve moved and have the space to store it, that’s been very helpful. It helped me get out to see her yesterday for her birthday. It’s now been a week since my surgery, healing is slow as I expected it to be (there’s a whole post in the works for that). I’m having issues getting up and down the stairs today. We got a good walk in though to loosen things up. There is a family gathering tonight that I completely forgot about that we aren’t going to. This has upset people greatly. I hate how taking care of myself leads to unhappiness and disappointment in others, let alone myself. I’m enjoying the time with my husband and kids today but I’m really unhappy about people being unhappy with me for taking care of myself. Well they aren’t unhappy with me personally, at least I hope not. Just sad about the situation. Thing is this same person gives me crap for not getting enough rest and self care and whatnot. Just feels like I can’t make anyone happy, least of all myself.
I’m seriously considering medication for depression again. Probably Wellbutrin since it will help with the smoking. I also need something for my Fibromyalgia, and need to discuss my worsening joint pain and such. My rheumatologist moved my May appointment to August. It will be almost a year between appointments. I am not pleased with my current quality of care. I can’t even find a family doctor close to my new home, I don’t think finding a new rheumatologist is going to be any easier. I need a vacation from life or something.
Edited to add: Did some very gentle hip opening stretching, did get a small amount of relief for a moderate period of time. Also did some stretches for my neck/t-zone that a physical therapist taught me when I was pregnant with Fintan.
Pretty awful today overall. A lot of myofacial pain, some joint pain. Joint pain on the right side; wrist, hip, ankle. My spine, t-zone included, also bad. Nausea, hot/cold flashes, sweats, sinus congestion, mucousy cough lingers. Nerve/spine pain is bad right this second. My jaw has been very painful, a headache accompanies this of course. There was some major upheavals yesterday, I’m guessing that’s why I feel extra awful today. Stupid stress hormones.
Still managed to care for two kids mostly myself, make breakfast/lunch/dinner, also got a nap thanks to my spouse. Oh and Little Bug (the baby) woke up at 3am and didn’t really go back to sleep. She’s a handful right now. Four months old today, so she is hitting a growth spurt plus sleep regression and teething. Plus my son has been acting out more due to the changes. Still seriously considering getting him assessed. He’s been having bad screaming fits when upset/angry/frustrated. He’s a great big brother, I’m really proud of him.
I have a good friend coming to visit tomorrow. We’ve managed to hang out almost every Sunday for the past month and a bit. Mainly because they come here. So that will be nice. Kidlets will be off visiting with my parents.
Hopefully I feel less like shit tomorrow.
Arthritis Pain: 5
Fibromyalgia Pain: 7-8
My body is angry. My brain is very tired. I have come down with the virus/plague/whatever is going around here. My spouse with his iron clad immune system is still fighting it after four weeks. I’m going to be sick until freaking Summer. I just want to sleep but I have to go to work. I was considering a new line of work but both my Rheumatologist and Psychiatrist both recommend me staying in this current job. It supplies “free” exercise and animal therapy as well as keeping me active. I may need to take a day off later this week. Arthritis isn’t too bad these days, my FM is kicking my ass though. VERY achy and stiff, a lot of brain fog. Anxiety is definitely better than it was.
Sometimes baffled and amused by this, sometimes it makes me ugly cry.
Less than ten years ago I was working six days a week at St. Paul’s Hospital; Five of those days were spent baking about 500 muffins a day(from scratch), loaves(like lemon and banana) and every other week you’d throw on cookies and crisps and such. That sixth day I was working culinary, cooking the lunch and dinner for the patients.
I struggle to make cookies from pre-fab rolls. Bye mostly assembled gingerbread houses for my son to decorate. I used to make wedding cakes. I don’t think I could pipe a straight line anymore to save my life.
Fuck you, Arthritis
My hands don’t look much different on the outside, they are sneaky lying bastards.
Once again it is time for a round of “What the fuck do I do?”.
I really do love my job. The time with the dogs is awesome and therapeutic, the walking is good to a certain degree but I WAY overdo it pretty much every day. I worry about joint damage now that I’ve been off my arthritis medication for so long. I can dope myself up to high heaven to get through the day if I need too get through the pain but it doesn’t stop damage. Living in a country with public medical care is fantastic, I’m frustrated though that because I missed my last appointment with my Rheumatologist in August that I have to wait until February to see her again. There’s questions I’d like to ask about pregnancy, let alone how to keep my joints safe while I am off my medication.
Remember the allergic reaction I had the other day? Well I had another reaction the next day while at work. Those two days I was working at the doggie daycare side of the business not just walking. I have a mild dog allergy that I really had never noticed before, I have been around or had dogs in the house my whole life. Apparently when you stuff a bunch of them in a building though and then have me sweep up the hair, THEN it becomes a problem, which makes sense. The hair and dander would probably make anyone react. It’s not even that it’s filthy or anything, it’s VERY clean but enclose everything and yeah. Issues. Good thing is now that I am not taking Lyrica or Plaquenil I can tale allergy medication without going into a drug induced coma. Not sure how that will work when I get pregnant.
I could very easily get a retail type job and make more money with considerably less work. I would lose A LOT of things though. With my current job I can stop and go as I need too. If I am feeling extra gross I can stay in the backyard with the dog or take it to the nearest dog park and they can run about. When the weather is the shits I only have to take them out to pee/poop and then we go inside to play. I can take my son with me to pretty much any walk if I need too. When I worked four hours at the daycare on the weekend he got to come with me and spend the whole time with me and play with the pups. This is not even touching on the fact it is a tiny local business that I work for.
Okay I feel a little better after dumping all this on the page. Thanks for listening folks.
Things have been busy. The Little Man is walking and getting into everything. It’s also summer which means camping trips and such. I was feeling really good with all this heat. I did my best not to complain because it got REALLY hot REALLY fast. Something has gone funny under the surface though. It’s still warm but things feel broken again. I am seriously thinking about investing in a barometre so I get some warning at least. The burning pain of the infamous “T-Zone” has been mild. Hands/wrists, hips, ankles and feet have been bad. The second joint of my right big toe, the Medial Cuneiform, hurts A LOT and makes walking an interesting adventure…here’s a picture:
My shoulders have been pretty bad this week too. My right one is particularly pissed off, I did something to it picking up the boychild last night. I’ve been experimenting with only taking my afternoon dose of Lyrica if I feel crappy. Not sure of that’s affecting how sore I’ve been lately or not. Either way, it sucks. The Psoriasis on my head is getting pretty bad, I can actually see the red scaly spots now.
Woke up in a lot of pain this morning, an 8-9. Bad stiffness, pulsing body pain, particularly bad in my hands and wrists. I’m exhausted emotionally and physically. I feel empty, drained. But I am taking great joy in watching my son crawl around the house, learning new things, surprising me with his comprehension. I asked him if he wanted milk, he nodded his head yes. I had suspicions that he was starting to understand what that meant, it’s really neat to actually see it in action though.
The reason I am feeling the way I am today is due largely in part to my day yesterday. My cousin, a cousin who I loved very much, was killed a couple weeks ago while operating heavy machinery at work. He was a young man with small children and a very amazing human being. His funeral was yesterday in Courtenay. Getting there involves a two hour ferry ride and a two hour drive both ways, 8 hours of travel. And then a very moving ceremony. While it has helped me begin my healing process, my acceptance of what has happened, it was exhausting and extremely hard for me.
So today is dedicated to resting.