March 25th, 2017

Edited to add: Did some very gentle hip opening stretching, did get a small amount of relief for a moderate period of time. Also did some stretches for my neck/t-zone that a physical therapist taught me when I was pregnant with Fintan. 
Pretty awful today overall. A lot of myofacial pain, some joint pain. Joint pain on the right side; wrist, hip, ankle. My spine, t-zone included, also bad. Nausea, hot/cold flashes, sweats, sinus congestion, mucousy cough lingers. Nerve/spine pain is bad right this second. My jaw has been very painful, a headache accompanies this of course. There was some major upheavals yesterday, I’m guessing that’s why I feel extra awful today. Stupid stress hormones.

Still managed to care for two kids mostly myself, make breakfast/lunch/dinner, also got a nap thanks to my spouse. Oh and Little Bug (the baby) woke up at 3am and didn’t really go back to sleep. She’s a handful right now. Four months old today, so she is hitting a growth spurt plus sleep regression and teething. Plus my son has been acting out more due to the changes. Still seriously considering getting him assessed. He’s been having bad screaming fits when upset/angry/frustrated. He’s a great big brother, I’m really proud of him.

I have a good friend coming to visit tomorrow. We’ve managed to hang out almost every Sunday for the past month and a bit. Mainly because they come here. So that will be nice. Kidlets will be off visiting with my parents. 

Hopefully I feel less like shit tomorrow.

March 6, 2016

Arthritis Pain: 5
Fibromyalgia Pain: 7-8

 

My body is angry. My brain is very tired. I have come down with the virus/plague/whatever is going around here. My spouse with his iron clad immune system is still fighting it after four weeks. I’m going to be sick until freaking Summer. I just want to sleep but I have to go to work. I was considering a new line of work but both my Rheumatologist and Psychiatrist both recommend me staying in this current job. It supplies “free” exercise and animal therapy as well as keeping me active. I may need to take a day off later this week. Arthritis isn’t too bad these days, my FM is kicking my ass though. VERY achy and stiff, a lot of brain fog. Anxiety is definitely better than it was.

Funny How Things Change

Sometimes baffled and amused by this, sometimes it makes me ugly cry. 
Less than ten years ago I was working six days a week at St. Paul’s Hospital; Five of those days were spent baking about 500 muffins a day(from scratch), loaves(like lemon and banana) and every other week you’d throw on cookies and crisps and such. That sixth day I was working culinary, cooking the lunch and dinner for the patients.

Now?

I struggle to make cookies from pre-fab rolls. Bye mostly assembled gingerbread houses for my son to decorate. I used to make wedding cakes. I don’t think I could pipe a straight line anymore to save my life.

Fuck you, Arthritis 

My hands don’t look much different on the outside, they are sneaky lying bastards.

 

Uncertainties

Once again it is time for a round of “What the fuck do I do?”.

I really do love my job. The time with the dogs is awesome and therapeutic, the walking is good to a certain degree but I WAY overdo it pretty much every day. I worry about joint damage now that I’ve been off my arthritis medication for so long. I can dope myself up to high heaven to get through the day if I need too get through the pain but it doesn’t stop damage. Living in a country with public medical care is fantastic, I’m frustrated though that because I missed my last appointment with my Rheumatologist in August that I have to wait until February to see her again. There’s questions I’d like to ask about pregnancy, let alone how to keep my joints safe while I am off my medication.

Remember the allergic reaction I had the other day? Well I had another reaction the next day while at work. Those two days I was working at the doggie daycare side of the business not just walking. I have a mild dog allergy that I really had never noticed before, I have been around or had dogs in the house my whole life. Apparently when you stuff a bunch of them in a building though and then have me sweep up the hair, THEN it becomes a problem, which makes sense. The hair and dander would probably make anyone react. It’s not even that it’s filthy or anything, it’s VERY clean but enclose everything and yeah. Issues. Good thing is now that I am not taking Lyrica or Plaquenil I can tale allergy medication without going into a drug induced coma. Not sure how that will work when I get pregnant.

I could very easily get a retail type job and make more money with considerably less work. I would lose A LOT of things though. With my current job I can stop and go as I need too. If I am feeling extra gross I can stay in the backyard with the dog or take it to the nearest dog park and they can run about. When the weather is the shits I only have to take them out to pee/poop and then we go inside to play. I can take my son with me to pretty much any walk if I need too. When I worked four hours at the daycare on the weekend he got to come with me and spend the whole time with me and play with the pups. This is not even touching on the fact it is a tiny local business that I work for.

*sigh*

Okay I feel a little better after dumping all this on the page. Thanks for listening folks.

July 15th, 2013

Things have been busy. The Little Man is walking and getting into everything. It’s also summer which means camping trips and such. I was feeling really good with all this heat. I did my best not to complain because it got REALLY hot REALLY fast. Something has gone funny under the surface though. It’s still warm but things feel broken again. I am seriously thinking about investing in a barometre so I get some warning at least. The burning pain of the infamous “T-Zone” has been mild. Hands/wrists, hips, ankles and feet have been bad. The second joint of my right big toe, the Medial Cuneiform, hurts A LOT and makes walking an interesting adventure…here’s a picture:anat13afoot

 

My shoulders have been pretty bad this week too. My right one is particularly pissed off, I did something to it picking up the boychild last night. I’ve been experimenting with only taking my afternoon dose of Lyrica if I feel crappy. Not sure of that’s affecting how sore I’ve been lately or not. Either way, it sucks. The Psoriasis on my head is getting pretty bad, I can actually see the red scaly spots now.

June 29th, 2013

Woke up in a lot of pain this morning, an 8-9. Bad stiffness, pulsing body pain, particularly bad in my hands and wrists. I’m exhausted emotionally and physically. I feel empty, drained. But I am taking great joy in watching my son crawl around the house, learning new things, surprising me with his comprehension. I asked him if he wanted milk, he nodded his head yes. I had suspicions that he was starting to understand what that meant, it’s really neat to actually see it in action though.

The reason I am feeling the way I am today is due largely in part to my day yesterday. My cousin, a cousin who I loved very much, was killed a couple weeks ago while operating heavy machinery at work. He was a young man with small children and a very amazing human being. His funeral was yesterday in Courtenay. Getting there involves a two hour ferry ride and a two hour drive both ways, 8 hours of travel. And then a very moving ceremony. While it has helped me begin my healing process, my acceptance of what has happened, it was exhausting and extremely hard for me.

So today is dedicated to resting.

Crisis

**TRIGGER WARNING** This post contains details of child illness and emergency situations.

I think I’m finally starting to decompress from the crisis my family had this week. I’m writing it out here in an effort to ease the anxiety and stop the impending panic attack. I’m the Calm Centre of the Universe you see, everyone else around me gets to fall apart. I don’t. At least not at first. Takes a few days sometimes but it’s finally starting to slip out.

Yesterday my little family came home from the hospital. We had spent three days (two nights) there with my son.

It started off with coughing and sneezing on Wednesday, we were up all night with him crying almost non-stop. The crying all night bit has happened before when he was teething so I assumed it was his teeth again. By Thursday morning he was refusing to eat, refusing water and milk, all he wanted was to lay on my chest. He wasn’t wheezing, we’ve taken him in for wheezing before, he had been diagnosed with Bronchiolitis. He was definitely working very hard for breath though. When he wasn’t screaming (which was good in a way, at least he was getting that much air in) he was moaning with each breath. I called my hubby and he came home from work and off to emergency we went.

I walked into emergency, hubby had dropped me off and went to park the car. There was someone in front of me in triage and I had to resist screaming at them to hurry the fuck up. Fintan was crying and moaning and I was doing my best not to panic. Another nurse poked her head out and looked at me and quickly motioned me into one of the cubicles to get my info. She took the basics and then got up to take me directly into the back, which was terrifying, usually you sit for at least a good half hour before you get in. I figured we would be heading to the paediatric ward as usual but she took me directly to trauma and they whisked us into one of the beds. My hubby stood back, I stayed close since the little guy was at this point freaking out. Immediately there were three nurses examining him. Within five minutes there were three doctors as well. They worked quickly to get some medicine into him to open his airways and some tylenol for the high fever he was running. A few minutes after he was finished getting his first dose of Ventolin through this little mask, he looked like he was going to toss up the tylenol so I held him up. He gagged a few times and then went white…then ashen. They removed me from the bed right away. He was crashing. His oxygen saturation levels were at 84%, his heart rate was running between 200 and 210. To give some perspective on this, his normal heart rate is 120-130 and O2 saturation should be at 100%. If your saturation levels stay in the 80’s for too long you are looking at brain damage. He perked up almost immediately after they started poking at him and trying to rouse him and started screaming again which was very good. We thought he was going to die. I think that was the most terrifying moment of my life.

He was given two more doses of Ventolin as well as a liquid form of Flovent and we kept the oxygen mask on him. It took some time but eventually his saturation levels would stay at about 90-94% when you took the mask off and his heart rate dropped to about 190. They moved us up to the Paediatric Ward and put us into isolation and that’s where we spent the next two nights. I didn’t really sleep that first night. They were checking his vitals every hour and giving him Ventolin every four. He slept pretty much the whole night in fits and starts. My Mother and Mother in Law had come as soon as we told them what was going on. My Mother stayed with us until 8pm, my Dad showing up around 7pm. I think I would have lost my mind without her. By morning he was still breathing heavy but his heart rate had dropped to the 150-170 range. They had put him on oxygen the day before just to give him a helping hand. Mom came the next day to help out too.

Fintan_Oxygen

Everything kind of blurs together now. A respiratory specialist came to see him at one point when the nurse thought she heard something funky while checking his lungs. He told us that he had Bronchiolitis as a child and that it eventually progressed into Asthma but that boys seemed to have a better chance of outgrowing it. Bronchiolitis is essentially baby Asthma. He took Fintan off the oxygen which was scary but fantastic all at the same time. The little man got progressively better, playing, eating more but still tiring really fast. He slept almost straight through that second night. Saturday morning the doctor came and told us that we could go home. We have Ventolin on hand to use as needed and he will be on Flovent for three weeks. These are both administered by puffers using a chamber. It’s funny that at the hospital he screamed and fought it. Here at home he actually bends his face towards the chamber for me and sits still, breathing the medicine in calmly.

We were all extremely happy to be home, the little man seemed especially pleased. He immediately began playing with his toys. Didn’t take him long to fall asleep and he slept soundly for three hours in his crib. He started eating solids again in the afternoon. The doctors can’t say for sure if it is asthma but it looks that way. The way he explained it was that at this age it’s really tough to diagnose asthma so his diagnosis is Bronchiolitis with a strong suspicion of Asthma. My Dad and I have hay fever and seasonal allergies and I have eczema. These two conditions are connected to asthma apparently so that makes it even more likely.

I’m going to a concert tonight, Fleetwood Mac. My best friend and I have been waiting for months. Now that the day is here I find my anxiety is awful and it’s only 9am. I guess it’s going to be an Ativan type of day.

Happily back at home

Happily back at home