Ugh. That is the word of the day. It’s hot, we are having a heat wave this weekend. Highs in the 30C area, at night it’s about 15-20C. Wreaks havoc with my chronic illness. The kids had a rough week, the older is still having sleeping/eating/meltdown issues as well as teething (he lost his first tooth and the adult tooth replacing it is coming in fast), the younger is teething and growing so eating and waking a lot. My Mom brought me her old mobility scooter now that we’ve moved and have the space to store it, that’s been very helpful. It helped me get out to see her yesterday for her birthday. It’s now been a week since my surgery, healing is slow as I expected it to be (there’s a whole post in the works for that). I’m having issues getting up and down the stairs today. We got a good walk in though to loosen things up. There is a family gathering tonight that I completely forgot about that we aren’t going to. This has upset people greatly. I hate how taking care of myself leads to unhappiness and disappointment in others, let alone myself. I’m enjoying the time with my husband and kids today but I’m really unhappy about people being unhappy with me for taking care of myself. Well they aren’t unhappy with me personally, at least I hope not. Just sad about the situation. Thing is this same person gives me crap for not getting enough rest and self care and whatnot. Just feels like I can’t make anyone happy, least of all myself.
I’m seriously considering medication for depression again. Probably Wellbutrin since it will help with the smoking. I also need something for my Fibromyalgia, and need to discuss my worsening joint pain and such. My rheumatologist moved my May appointment to August. It will be almost a year between appointments. I am not pleased with my current quality of care. I can’t even find a family doctor close to my new home, I don’t think finding a new rheumatologist is going to be any easier. I need a vacation from life or something.
The majority of the medications I have stopped are now clear of my system. We’ve just past the three month half-life mark of Plaquenil. From what I’ve read, the remaining 50% will now leave my body at an exponential rate. My mind is too tired to go looking for the specifics.
I HURT. I ache. My joints have a hot demonic pulse; Filled with broken glass. Once I get moving, with a brace on each ankle and my left wrist(sometimes the rift too), I feel a smudge better. As soon as I sit down though it’s just a matter of time before the full brunt of the pain returns. I’m taking Tylenol Arthritis, I need to get to the doctor and get my Tylenol 3’s refilled. The acetemetophen dulls the pain but barely touches it. Basically makes it so I don’t cry off and on throughout the day. The opiates takes a bigger bite out of it.
The braces on my ankles I wear for preventative measures mostly. They are just elastic material. Decent quality. My right ankle is still weak from the really bad sprain months back. My left will start to hurt constantly if I don’t wear the brace on that side. I take them off when I get home. If I wear one on my right wrist it’s the same sort of bandage.
My left wrist is another matter altogether. I pulled out “the big guns” about a week ago. It is an immobilizing brace. It has metal plates in it, for Hermes sake! The Cyst of Doom is being REALLY pissy though so I look kind of bionic at the moment.
I can’t even take this one off at home. I keep it on until bedtime. I also think the cyst has gotten bigger.
My Fibro trigger points are VERY sensitive right now. I feel pretty down about it because my three year old son gets excited and jumps on me or pokes at me and I wince and gasp and yelp and it scares it. 😦
Fuck you craptastic body.
Was exhausted and cranky most of the day after my 6 hour long outing yesterday. VERY stiff and sore when I woke up. Loosened up as the day wore on but the tiredness and cranky stayed. Around 4pm my energy levels lifted a wee bit which got me off the couch at least. I realized I really needed to to get some things done around the house so popped one of my all natural energy pills. Got what needed to be done finished. Still feeling really worn out and sore but at least I accomplished something.
My psychiatrist (or is it psychologist?) and I have agreed to switch me from Cipralex to Cymbalta. Cipralex helps with anxiety and depression while the Cymbalta helps with anxiety, depression and FM pain. SO the switch over started today. Cipralex dose dropped to 20mg, adding 30mg Cymbalta. Will do this for 7 days then drop the Cipralex dose to 10mg, keeping the Cymbalta at 30mg. Wait another 7 days, stop the Cipralex, bump the Cymbalta up to 60mg. One of the things I hate about new drugs is the side effects. Nausea is the most common side effect of this one and it’s definitely there.
Still haven’t gotten through to my Rheumatologist who I am supposed to see next month. HIGHLY unprofessional. I’m not pleased.
Today: 300mg Wellbutrin, 150mg Lyrica, 20mg Cipralex, 30mg Cymbalta
Back from the dead so to speak, once again. The little man is keeping me very busy. I can’t believe he will be seven months old in a week. He has two teeth already and is teething like mad which makes him very clingy and sometimes a little screaming terror. He is the light of my life though.
It’s cold and dreary. This of course wreaks havoc on my joints. The plaquenil is definitely helping but it’s not like it goes away entirely. I have had some really intense stabbing pains in my fingers and wrists. Both joints in the thumb and the middle knuckles of the pointer, middle and ring finger of both hands. The infamous “T Zone” is really bad. Not as bad as it was, I think the drugs might be working for that too. I also have an exercise the physiotherapist showed me that helps ease the burning/numb feeling. Two doses of Tylenol Arthritis a day is necessary on top of the prescription drugs. I tested the theory a few weeks ago, which I do from time to time to see if I can just run on the prescriptions, it was a bad idea. I will wait until the weather is nice and warm before I even think about trying that again. The usual pain and dull ache in the major joints, certain movements cause a stabbing sensation in my upper back now that actually takes my breath away. Nausea, headaches, anxiety, agoraphobia, depression, the cold that will not end. And speaking of cold there is the cold toes. So cold they hurt, which of course refuse to warm up. Once I do get them warmed up if I uncover them or walk around too long without slippers they go right back to the frozen state. Appetite is minimal. Weight loss is coming slowly. My period is back to it’s usual trying to kill me mode. TMI ALERT: heavy clotted flow for almost the whole week….ugh. I have started getting flaky red spots on my eyebrows and my skull, with full on scaling at times. Looks like psoriasis, told the doc what it looked like (of course it went away by the time I got to the office) and he agreed that’s what it sounded like. It’s coming back again so I’m going to get pictures. Pretty much nails the arthritis down to psoriatic.
That being said the little man keeps me happy. I just snuggle him or play with him and it helps immensely. Doesn’t help with getting out of the house though. I know I really need to get out but it’s hard to get motivated. He needs to get out too but with the weather it’s hard to get around. My usual habit of walking around the mall is impossible right now, too many people, makes for panic attacks, and I have to ativan left. I may feel awful a good portion of the time but life is still good. I have friends and family I love, a roof over my head and food in the cupboards.
That spot where my spine, shoulders and neck meet is burning today. It’s making my head hurt. Hands are stiff and sore and feel hot. Pain is starting underneath my shoulder blades. Feeling quite tired. I blame the sudden change in weather. Feeling rather blue today.
Meds: 4 T1’s, 1 Wellbutrin (now taking 300mg Extended Release tablets), 1 Naproxen
**TRIGGER WARNING: RAPE AND SEXUAL ASSAULT**
During my mindless scrolling through my Facebook feed this morning I came across an article by Jezebel entitled “Rapists Explain Themselves on Reddit, and We Should Listen”. Apparently there is a whole page with comments from rapists, both men and women (remember, women can rape too!), with explanations as to why they raped. I read the article, I have NOT gone to the Reddit page nor do I think I will ever do so. The article itself was triggering enough. In fact I’m writing this post to try and quell the panic and anxiety that is building in my chest. I can count on one hand the number if people I have ever told my rape experiences to. Some got the simple answer, “Yes I was raped…” and some got all the nasty details of it. The reason I am writing this post is because I believe that those experiences effected me a lot more then I like to admit and feed my anxiety and depression. And since this blog is about ALL my fun medical conditions it seems like a good idea to discuss it. I haven’t ever really talked about my mental illness on here. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder and Situational Depression (sometimes called Secondary Depression). I digress though. I read the article with the usual amount of rightous outrage that I usually feel when I read such things. I have dealt with a lot of the emotional scars of my experiences but every now and again they surprise me.
It was this quote…
“I’m a good man. I have a wife and a couple of kids now and I’m a good father and husband. I’m a pretty moral guy. But I think the thing that has always stuck with me…is how close I came to actually doing it. If I hadn’t looked up at her face and seen what she was feeling, I might have continued. In my mind, at the time, she wanted it. I can remember staring at the ceiling while on the couch thinking “in a couple of minutes she’s going to come out here and get on top of me.”
and this one…
…It was then I looked at her face. She was petrified. I at that point pulled myself together, rolled off her and apologized. My hormones were RAGING. I asked her why she didn’t want to. I told her what I thought above. She started to cry.
These two are what triggered, what set off the panic and anxiety. See my rape experiences were not what society likes to consider a “clear cut” case of rape. I never said no. I never tried to fight him off. I wasn’t beaten bruised and bloody. It wasn’t some big scary man that did this. It was my boyfriend. Who I loved. And who claimed to love me. And on the occasions where he did take what he wanted, he never looked me in the face. Those words made me feel physically ill.
I think that’s enough for me on this topic for now.
Love, Light and the Blessings of the Ancestors.