Asshole Ankle

I remember as a child, the joy of leaping from trees, that high of free fall, the solid thud when my feet hit the ground. While I have never liked falling, it never used to slow me down. When my disorders flared and kicked in falls became devastating. My first serious fall was the first year I lived in Surrey. I was trying out for track and field, the relay race, and totally bailed into the gravel. It was my right knee that failed me then. I started seeing doctors shortly after that, I was 14 I believe.

Last night I had my first serious fall inside. I have bailed a few times when wandering about the forest and stuff but most of those could be traced back to a physical object of some sort making my uncooperative meatsuit fail.

Last night all I did was lift up onto the ball of my right foot to climb up onto my very high bed.

I felt my ankle give, it’s not an unfamiliar feeling. Since I severely sprained it dog walking it’s always been extra pissy. The issues with my metatarsal joints just made worse by my defective connective tissue being stretched out more by the injury. So that didn’t surprise me. What did surprise me was landing on my back on the floor. Usually I can compensate and kind of bypass it, kind of hauling myself up with brute strength.

I guess the combination of barometric pressure crash, plus exhaustion, plus everything flaring…but yeah. Regardless I hit the floor hard and while I have no bruises I am tender, both physically and mentally. I needed to use my cane in the house for the first time. Which also happens to be the first time I have used the cane I got from my Uncle, who passed away in November.

I had a good cry about it then put the new rubber bottom on. It’s a lot nicer to use than my all metal one, I assume because the wood absorbs some of the shock. I’m going to have to talk to the doctor about this ankle. Since getting my orthotics the ankle pain is rare. Obviously now I know it’s still fucky and I might need more effective hardware to protect the joint.

Mother’s Day 2020

Thank you to all the self identified Mother’s out there, for EVERYTHING that you do. Often it is most of our work isn’t noticed, let alone recognized.

Thank you to the birth-givers on this day, if Mother is not your preferred title.

Thank you to all the Mothers of all kinds on this day. Regardless of where your babies come from or what species they are. Nurturing another soul is precious and divine work.

To those whose Mothers, and or children are are no longer in physical form, I see you. I hear you. I hold space for you.

To those whose Mothers were horrible, or awful, or non-existent in their lives, I see you. I hear you. I hold space for you.

Since I became a Mother, this day has always been hard. My first Mother’s Day was spent in deep mourning for the babe I had lost. This day, more than anything, makes me think of him. This year is compounded with the loss of my “other” Mom last year. This is the first one without her. Her birthday is tomorrow. Her death anniversary in late June. My own Mother had a very bad health scare last week. Not being able to get together and celebrate like we usually do is just awful icing on this shitty cake.

I am eternally grateful to the Universe for the babies that lived, who brighten every day of my life. I look forward to my annual offering of a live orchid. I look forward to seeing my Mom and thanking her for all she has done and continues to do for me. I am extremely thankful that I can go see her for a few minutes and give her a hug. Particularly in the middle of a global pandemic.*

My love goes out to everyone really, on this day. Our Mother’s, present or absent, are HUGE forces in our lives. May your day be as peaceful and pleasant as it can be.

*For clarity, we are being extremely careful with physical contact. Our risk factors are extremely low, and we must balance social distancing with our mental health.

Winter Bones

I made it nine days this time without Naproxen. Only took it for three days before my ankle calmed down, which was nice.

What wasn’t nice was the sudden plummeting temperatures. So the nine days has ended. It will be a couple more days I think before these pain levels drop.

I think I will take it daily again but take special care around my period in case I need to take the Cambria for the now regular migraine.

My doctor’s office has once again dropped the ball and have not called about the appointment I need with a neurologist.

Sigh.

High pain levels really do a number on my mental health.

Connective Tissue Disease Things

After my last appointment with my rheumy I’ve learnt how to identify all three types of pain I have now. Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, Connective Tissue. Lately it’s been the ligaments, connective tissues, skin, and such that are painful. It’s particularly bad today. A 7-8 on the scale. I’ve managed to get myself and the kids dressed and fed, gone to the clinic and pharmacy. Rather proud of myself for that. Still have some grocery shopping to do and getting the boy child his haircut for impending kindergarten.

I’ve taken all the pain meds I can. I’m thinking I might need to take a dose of cyclobenzaprine. This would involve weaning immediately though and I’m undecided if I’m up for that. Fuck it hurts though.

Heat Wave and Disappointments

Ugh. That is the word of the day. It’s hot, we are having a heat wave this weekend. Highs in the 30C area, at night it’s about 15-20C. Wreaks havoc with my chronic illness. The kids had a rough week, the older is still having sleeping/eating/meltdown issues as well as teething (he lost his first tooth and the adult tooth replacing it is coming in fast), the younger is teething and growing so eating and waking a lot. My Mom brought me her old mobility scooter now that we’ve moved and have the space to store it, that’s been very helpful. It helped me get out to see her yesterday for her birthday. It’s now been a week since my surgery, healing is slow as I expected it to be (there’s a whole post in the works for that). I’m having issues getting up and down the stairs today. We got a good walk in though to loosen things up. There is a family gathering tonight that I completely forgot about that we aren’t going to. This has upset people greatly. I hate how taking care of myself leads to unhappiness and disappointment in others, let alone myself. I’m enjoying the time with my husband and kids today but I’m really unhappy about people being unhappy with me for taking care of myself. Well they aren’t unhappy with me personally, at least I hope not. Just sad about the situation. Thing is this same person gives me crap for not getting enough rest and self care and whatnot. Just feels like I can’t make anyone happy, least of all myself.
I’m seriously considering medication for depression again. Probably Wellbutrin since it will help with the smoking. I also need something for my Fibromyalgia, and need to discuss my worsening joint pain and such. My rheumatologist moved my May appointment to August. It will be almost a year between appointments. I am not pleased with my current quality of care. I can’t even find a family doctor close to my new home, I don’t think finding a new rheumatologist is going to be any easier. I need a vacation from life or something. 

January 5th, 2017

Pain: 5-6

Energy: very low

Just a quick note. Things are stressful around here. Spouse was in an accident due to black ice a few days ago. Car is a write off. Money is tight. His anxiety and depression has sky rocketed which in turn triggers my anxiety. Little Man(my son) has been a wee bit more settled. Monkey(my new daughter) has been cluster feeding and cranky, wanting to be held most of the time. This does not help. Been eating better, sleeping better when possible. Bumped my Paxil.up from 40mg to 50mg. Been about four days, seems to be helping a wee bit. Will be back in my own room by the end of next week.