I’m too tired to write out all the things I need to but wanted to check in. I’ve waited far too long to take my second dose of painkillers and my brain is mush. I know better than to push back drug times just because I’m feeling okay. Today was a rough day mentally. Physically I’m mostly exhausted. Except for the last hour where the pulse of pain throbbing along my nerves has steadily increased. I’ve realized I’m lumping all my pain together again so in the future I will be changing the format of my posts to clarify things a bit. The child needs to go to bed too, it’s actually past his bed time. I’m too sore and tired to move.
Fuck you Fibromyalgia. And fuck you shitty economy that forces me to work. And fuck you arthritis while I’m at it.
A lot of changes are coming. Hopefully it will all work out and I will feel a bit better and will have more time to write and such.
Much love. 💜🙏🏻
Pain levels have been around the 12-14 level for three days. Can’t afford NOT to work. I REALLY need to get school organized. I’ve been on the verge of tears for three days. My New Years resolution to quit while ahead and stop smoking after about a week has failed. I’m still only smoking four or five a day, which compared to my previous level of AT LEAST a pack is pretty good. I know in the long run it’s not helping but it’s that or I literally break things, and lose my shit. Like hysterics. I have a job to go to, a family(myself included) to take care of, I don’t have the luxery of losing my shit right now. Although I’m sure it’s not helping in the trying to conceive department. Speaking of work, off I go. Much love. 💜
Sometimes baffled and amused by this, sometimes it makes me ugly cry.
Less than ten years ago I was working six days a week at St. Paul’s Hospital; Five of those days were spent baking about 500 muffins a day(from scratch), loaves(like lemon and banana) and every other week you’d throw on cookies and crisps and such. That sixth day I was working culinary, cooking the lunch and dinner for the patients.
I struggle to make cookies from pre-fab rolls. Bye mostly assembled gingerbread houses for my son to decorate. I used to make wedding cakes. I don’t think I could pipe a straight line anymore to save my life.
Fuck you, Arthritis
My hands don’t look much different on the outside, they are sneaky lying bastards.
My body is clear of ALL medications, minus acetemetophen and naproxen. I simultaneously feel amazing and on the verge of hospitalization; It’s been ten years since I hit an ER for any of my chronic conditions, I’d like to keep it that way. The nerve related pain in my neck/spine is literally vomit inducing. In the last 24 hours, the angry beast that is my digestive system, has once again reared it’s ugly head. Granted the last few days have been particularly stressful, the little one fell seriously ill. What that did though was give me something to focus on. While I’m sitting at 11-12/10 pain levels I am pleased. My writing brain is firing up again. My anxiety is there but manageable. I have lots of thinky thoughts to write down. Will write as I am able, thus neck thing is pretty all consuming. It’s the kind of pain that actually knocks me out. I had a good half hour of blackness this afternoon. It’s not unconsciousness but I think it’s pretty damn close. There will be trips to the chiropractor, I’m terrified. I can’t even explain how much it hurts to have my neck adjusted. I know it needs it though. I’ve heard the indicating “crunch” of the vertebrae in question a couple times in the last few months. I will be working on getting a new GP and getting the issue looked into. It’s the site of my first real major industry. I was in a rear end car accident around the age of 11-12. Some pretty serious whip lash. So yeah good times.
There are no words to accurately describe the exhaustion the Fibromyalgia brings. Maybe try not sleeping for 3 or 4 days.
It’s only Tuesday.
Once again it is time for a round of “What the fuck do I do?”.
I really do love my job. The time with the dogs is awesome and therapeutic, the walking is good to a certain degree but I WAY overdo it pretty much every day. I worry about joint damage now that I’ve been off my arthritis medication for so long. I can dope myself up to high heaven to get through the day if I need too get through the pain but it doesn’t stop damage. Living in a country with public medical care is fantastic, I’m frustrated though that because I missed my last appointment with my Rheumatologist in August that I have to wait until February to see her again. There’s questions I’d like to ask about pregnancy, let alone how to keep my joints safe while I am off my medication.
Remember the allergic reaction I had the other day? Well I had another reaction the next day while at work. Those two days I was working at the doggie daycare side of the business not just walking. I have a mild dog allergy that I really had never noticed before, I have been around or had dogs in the house my whole life. Apparently when you stuff a bunch of them in a building though and then have me sweep up the hair, THEN it becomes a problem, which makes sense. The hair and dander would probably make anyone react. It’s not even that it’s filthy or anything, it’s VERY clean but enclose everything and yeah. Issues. Good thing is now that I am not taking Lyrica or Plaquenil I can tale allergy medication without going into a drug induced coma. Not sure how that will work when I get pregnant.
I could very easily get a retail type job and make more money with considerably less work. I would lose A LOT of things though. With my current job I can stop and go as I need too. If I am feeling extra gross I can stay in the backyard with the dog or take it to the nearest dog park and they can run about. When the weather is the shits I only have to take them out to pee/poop and then we go inside to play. I can take my son with me to pretty much any walk if I need too. When I worked four hours at the daycare on the weekend he got to come with me and spend the whole time with me and play with the pups. This is not even touching on the fact it is a tiny local business that I work for.
Okay I feel a little better after dumping all this on the page. Thanks for listening folks.
Woke up feeling relatively well, for me this means pain levels starting around 6. Took my morning medication in a timely fashion since I had a walk to do today with the child in tow. I skipped my afternoon dose of Tylenol 3 since I didn’t do a lot of walking, not taking into consideration the housework I got up to. Oh and the child alone for 80% of the day. He’s such a part of my life that I forget to put spoons aside. He was well behaved with minimal threenager outbursts at least. By the time I took my second dose it was close to 6pm. FAR too long to wait. While my hips weren’t on fire the rest of my body is achy and sore and exhausted. Why do I keep trying to keep my T3 usage down to two you ask? I am an addict in recovery and I am terrified of opiates. It has been five years since my last major indiscretion. I was clean for three years before I let myself relax and start having a drink under very particular circumstances. I’ve read of people in recovery getting tripped up by pain killers SO OFTEN. So yeah, it makes me nervous. Pain levels spiked at a 9, sitting around a 7.5-8 currently. Once I get the little man to bed I can crawl into bed. I have to work tomorrow, it’s usually my only guaranteed day off but my boss has been working for about two months without a break so I figure I can go hang out with the dogs at the daycare for a half shift so she can stay home with her hubby and little one.
**Allergic Reaction Note**
About an hour ago I became REALLY itchy and broke out with a few hives. The only things different about today was making flat bread with some masa flour for lunch and goulash with some Meat Magic from Watkins added. I’ve had masa flour before but not for about six months and since I ate them around noon I don’t think hives would wait 6 hours. I’m guessing something in the seasoning ticked something off. The itching is generally around joints so it could also be due to an impending flare.