General Update – 23 July 2020

Rough day so far.
Autoimmune flare. Breathing is problematic. Pluerisy. Coughing. Shortness of breath. The only good thing about it is it makes my already sexy phone voice more husky, so possibly more sexy?

Immune system is being a shit and not letting things heal.
Anemia is manifesting, it was made worse with this last menstrual cycle. Heavy. Like elevator doors from The Shining. Clots. Flooding. Likely contributing to that air starved feeling.
Fighting a bladder infection that I initially thought was an International Cystitis flare. Second one I have had since I went into isolation. Fuck you Covid, for so many reasons.

Processing grief. Rummaged about in my Other Mum’s craft room and brought her serger sewing machine home. Also an encyclopedia on Needlework techniques. I feel like a thief. Her spirit insists I am not, and logically I know this. Grief is a bitch though. As is accepting and processing hard feelings.
Thank every God that has ever existed for therapy. I would be a royal mess right now without the skills I learnt in the last two years.

Tears. Lots of tears. Freely flowing. Which has been hard to come by the last few months. I may still hate crying but I have fully accepted how helpful it is for me in processing my emotions. Tears help your brain get rid of excess brain chemicals. ADHD means when I have emotions, of any kind, they are literally bigger. Higher levels of the brain chemicals associated with said emotions. So crying literally helps get rid of the emotions I am processing.

I get to wear my new shirt though. I don’t ever want to take it off. Made it with my bestie, yesterday. Favourite style of shirt, thanks to my other bestie for picking it out, AND camo print. Totally my jam. Witches. Pretty ladies. Red. Sparkles. Deliciousness. It’s seriously the best.

“Do You Want To Live Deliciously?”

Since solids are problematic before noon I made my version of bullet-proof coffee. Ups the calories. Lactose-free 10% coffee cream heated in the microwave, a tablespoon of butter, froth with an Aerolatte for as long as I can stand it. Pour into coffee. Add cinnamon. Stir. Enjoy. Delicious. Self-care. It is a lot of steps though so my executive function isn’t always feeling up to it.

The kiddo’s put the new She-ra on again so that’s fantastic.
I have also been unintentionally off of my psych meds for a week now. Issues with the pharmacy and clinic communicating about my refill. Currently awaiting a phone call from the clinic to get the refill sent to the pharmacy. Bleh.

Mother’s Day 2020

Thank you to all the self identified Mother’s out there, for EVERYTHING that you do. Often it is most of our work isn’t noticed, let alone recognized.

Thank you to the birth-givers on this day, if Mother is not your preferred title.

Thank you to all the Mothers of all kinds on this day. Regardless of where your babies come from or what species they are. Nurturing another soul is precious and divine work.

To those whose Mothers, and or children are are no longer in physical form, I see you. I hear you. I hold space for you.

To those whose Mothers were horrible, or awful, or non-existent in their lives, I see you. I hear you. I hold space for you.

Since I became a Mother, this day has always been hard. My first Mother’s Day was spent in deep mourning for the babe I had lost. This day, more than anything, makes me think of him. This year is compounded with the loss of my “other” Mom last year. This is the first one without her. Her birthday is tomorrow. Her death anniversary in late June. My own Mother had a very bad health scare last week. Not being able to get together and celebrate like we usually do is just awful icing on this shitty cake.

I am eternally grateful to the Universe for the babies that lived, who brighten every day of my life. I look forward to my annual offering of a live orchid. I look forward to seeing my Mom and thanking her for all she has done and continues to do for me. I am extremely thankful that I can go see her for a few minutes and give her a hug. Particularly in the middle of a global pandemic.*

My love goes out to everyone really, on this day. Our Mother’s, present or absent, are HUGE forces in our lives. May your day be as peaceful and pleasant as it can be.

*For clarity, we are being extremely careful with physical contact. Our risk factors are extremely low, and we must balance social distancing with our mental health.

Connective Tissue Disease Things

After my last appointment with my rheumy I’ve learnt how to identify all three types of pain I have now. Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, Connective Tissue. Lately it’s been the ligaments, connective tissues, skin, and such that are painful. It’s particularly bad today. A 7-8 on the scale. I’ve managed to get myself and the kids dressed and fed, gone to the clinic and pharmacy. Rather proud of myself for that. Still have some grocery shopping to do and getting the boy child his haircut for impending kindergarten.

I’ve taken all the pain meds I can. I’m thinking I might need to take a dose of cyclobenzaprine. This would involve weaning immediately though and I’m undecided if I’m up for that. Fuck it hurts though.

Heat Wave and Disappointments

Ugh. That is the word of the day. It’s hot, we are having a heat wave this weekend. Highs in the 30C area, at night it’s about 15-20C. Wreaks havoc with my chronic illness. The kids had a rough week, the older is still having sleeping/eating/meltdown issues as well as teething (he lost his first tooth and the adult tooth replacing it is coming in fast), the younger is teething and growing so eating and waking a lot. My Mom brought me her old mobility scooter now that we’ve moved and have the space to store it, that’s been very helpful. It helped me get out to see her yesterday for her birthday. It’s now been a week since my surgery, healing is slow as I expected it to be (there’s a whole post in the works for that). I’m having issues getting up and down the stairs today. We got a good walk in though to loosen things up. There is a family gathering tonight that I completely forgot about that we aren’t going to. This has upset people greatly. I hate how taking care of myself leads to unhappiness and disappointment in others, let alone myself. I’m enjoying the time with my husband and kids today but I’m really unhappy about people being unhappy with me for taking care of myself. Well they aren’t unhappy with me personally, at least I hope not. Just sad about the situation. Thing is this same person gives me crap for not getting enough rest and self care and whatnot. Just feels like I can’t make anyone happy, least of all myself.
I’m seriously considering medication for depression again. Probably Wellbutrin since it will help with the smoking. I also need something for my Fibromyalgia, and need to discuss my worsening joint pain and such. My rheumatologist moved my May appointment to August. It will be almost a year between appointments. I am not pleased with my current quality of care. I can’t even find a family doctor close to my new home, I don’t think finding a new rheumatologist is going to be any easier. I need a vacation from life or something. 

General Update – June 11th, 2017

Gods my joints hurt so much, particularly my legs. I fell on Wednesday last week, full face plant onto the sidewalk, with the added fun of my six month old rolling into traffic in her stroller. 

Good times. *sarcasm*

I had a scraped knee and a sore ankle, things have been hurting more as the days go along. Shoulders are bad, as are hips. Ankle and knees are now acting up, particularly on the right sides (the knee that hit the ground first when I fell). My spine has also been really painful.

Yesterday I pushed the patio door closed and managed to mess up my left hand. Spouse says it sounds like a work injury he’s had a few times. Seems to be nerve related. My whole left arm hurts though when it gets going.

The weather is shifty as well which never helps.

Uhm. What else. In the last four weeks we have painted, packed, moved, cleaned two different places, and mostly unpacked into our new place. Had my sons fifth birthday two weeks after we moved in. 

Oh and I’m smoking 5-10 cigarettes a day currently.

Madness I tell you.

March 25th, 2017

Edited to add: Did some very gentle hip opening stretching, did get a small amount of relief for a moderate period of time. Also did some stretches for my neck/t-zone that a physical therapist taught me when I was pregnant with Fintan. 
Pretty awful today overall. A lot of myofacial pain, some joint pain. Joint pain on the right side; wrist, hip, ankle. My spine, t-zone included, also bad. Nausea, hot/cold flashes, sweats, sinus congestion, mucousy cough lingers. Nerve/spine pain is bad right this second. My jaw has been very painful, a headache accompanies this of course. There was some major upheavals yesterday, I’m guessing that’s why I feel extra awful today. Stupid stress hormones.

Still managed to care for two kids mostly myself, make breakfast/lunch/dinner, also got a nap thanks to my spouse. Oh and Little Bug (the baby) woke up at 3am and didn’t really go back to sleep. She’s a handful right now. Four months old today, so she is hitting a growth spurt plus sleep regression and teething. Plus my son has been acting out more due to the changes. Still seriously considering getting him assessed. He’s been having bad screaming fits when upset/angry/frustrated. He’s a great big brother, I’m really proud of him.

I have a good friend coming to visit tomorrow. We’ve managed to hang out almost every Sunday for the past month and a bit. Mainly because they come here. So that will be nice. Kidlets will be off visiting with my parents. 

Hopefully I feel less like shit tomorrow.

January 5th, 2017

Pain: 5-6

Energy: very low

Just a quick note. Things are stressful around here. Spouse was in an accident due to black ice a few days ago. Car is a write off. Money is tight. His anxiety and depression has sky rocketed which in turn triggers my anxiety. Little Man(my son) has been a wee bit more settled. Monkey(my new daughter) has been cluster feeding and cranky, wanting to be held most of the time. This does not help. Been eating better, sleeping better when possible. Bumped my Paxil.up from 40mg to 50mg. Been about four days, seems to be helping a wee bit. Will be back in my own room by the end of next week.

January 1st, 2017

A new year and my usual “resolution” to write more often. We’ll see how it goes this this time.

Pain: 6-7

I’m trying to be more accurate with my pain scale. 1 being negligible pain and 10 being bed ridden. Well as bed ridden as I can be with two kids. My daughter decided to show up four weeks early on November 25th, 2016. Outside of some issues regulating her blood sugar in the first 24 hours and 4 day stay in the hospital for jaundice treatment she is good and healthy. She was 6lbs 7oz, only 8oz lighter then her brother but seems so much smaller. Breast feeding is going really well, WAY better then it went with my son, which is doing my mental state some good. We’ve had A LOT of out of the ordinary weather, a lot of arctic outflow reaching is and giving us a good amount of snow. We did our best not to overdo it with visits over the holidays and are trying not to overdo the newborn visits as well. Folks can come here if they want to see her. I’ve been feeling really awful the last few days, my pain levels are down at least. It’s a combination of a lot of factors, taking care of a newborn and a four year old adjusting to a newborn, holiday stress (positive and negative stress), weather patterns, eating a whole bunch of crunchy food that seriously pissed off my jaw(arthritis and TMJ). I’m utterly exhausted, easily irritated. My body has a “pain pulse”, pain pulses through my joints and muscles like a heart beat. My reproductive psychiatrist is confident I am not showing signs of Post Partem Depression but we need to make sure I’m okay. She reccomends better self care, counseling, and if needed I can bump my Paxil up from 40mg a day to 50mg. I’m seriously considering bumping it up today. I’m doing a bit better with self care. We have dinner at my parents later, which as much as I don’t want to leave the house it will be nice to see them and not have to make dinner. There will also be presents which is fun. I’m hoping my feeling awful isn’t the start of the post pregnancy flare up. I was hoping that awfulness would wait until the three month mark like it did with my son. I’m hoping to do some posts this year that aren’t just my daily log. We’ll see what I can come up with.

30 January 2016

I’m too tired to write out all the things I need to but wanted to check in. I’ve waited far too long to take my second dose of painkillers and my brain is mush. I know better than to push back drug times just because I’m feeling okay. Today was a rough day mentally. Physically I’m mostly exhausted. Except for the last hour where the pulse of pain throbbing along my nerves has steadily increased. I’ve realized I’m lumping all my pain together again so in the future I will be changing the format of my posts to clarify things a bit. The child needs to go to bed too, it’s actually past his bed time. I’m too sore and tired to move.

Fuck you Fibromyalgia. And fuck you shitty economy that forces me to work. And fuck you arthritis while I’m at it.

A lot of changes are coming. Hopefully it will all work out and I will feel a bit better and will have more time to write and such.

Much love. 💜🙏🏻