March 25th, 2017

Edited to add: Did some very gentle hip opening stretching, did get a small amount of relief for a moderate period of time. Also did some stretches for my neck/t-zone that a physical therapist taught me when I was pregnant with Fintan. 
Pretty awful today overall. A lot of myofacial pain, some joint pain. Joint pain on the right side; wrist, hip, ankle. My spine, t-zone included, also bad. Nausea, hot/cold flashes, sweats, sinus congestion, mucousy cough lingers. Nerve/spine pain is bad right this second. My jaw has been very painful, a headache accompanies this of course. There was some major upheavals yesterday, I’m guessing that’s why I feel extra awful today. Stupid stress hormones.

Still managed to care for two kids mostly myself, make breakfast/lunch/dinner, also got a nap thanks to my spouse. Oh and Little Bug (the baby) woke up at 3am and didn’t really go back to sleep. She’s a handful right now. Four months old today, so she is hitting a growth spurt plus sleep regression and teething. Plus my son has been acting out more due to the changes. Still seriously considering getting him assessed. He’s been having bad screaming fits when upset/angry/frustrated. He’s a great big brother, I’m really proud of him.

I have a good friend coming to visit tomorrow. We’ve managed to hang out almost every Sunday for the past month and a bit. Mainly because they come here. So that will be nice. Kidlets will be off visiting with my parents. 

Hopefully I feel less like shit tomorrow.

January 5th, 2017

Pain: 5-6

Energy: very low

Just a quick note. Things are stressful around here. Spouse was in an accident due to black ice a few days ago. Car is a write off. Money is tight. His anxiety and depression has sky rocketed which in turn triggers my anxiety. Little Man(my son) has been a wee bit more settled. Monkey(my new daughter) has been cluster feeding and cranky, wanting to be held most of the time. This does not help. Been eating better, sleeping better when possible. Bumped my Paxil.up from 40mg to 50mg. Been about four days, seems to be helping a wee bit. Will be back in my own room by the end of next week.

January 1st, 2017

A new year and my usual “resolution” to write more often. We’ll see how it goes this this time.

Pain: 6-7

I’m trying to be more accurate with my pain scale. 1 being negligible pain and 10 being bed ridden. Well as bed ridden as I can be with two kids. My daughter decided to show up four weeks early on November 25th, 2016. Outside of some issues regulating her blood sugar in the first 24 hours and 4 day stay in the hospital for jaundice treatment she is good and healthy. She was 6lbs 7oz, only 8oz lighter then her brother but seems so much smaller. Breast feeding is going really well, WAY better then it went with my son, which is doing my mental state some good. We’ve had A LOT of out of the ordinary weather, a lot of arctic outflow reaching is and giving us a good amount of snow. We did our best not to overdo it with visits over the holidays and are trying not to overdo the newborn visits as well. Folks can come here if they want to see her. I’ve been feeling really awful the last few days, my pain levels are down at least. It’s a combination of a lot of factors, taking care of a newborn and a four year old adjusting to a newborn, holiday stress (positive and negative stress), weather patterns, eating a whole bunch of crunchy food that seriously pissed off my jaw(arthritis and TMJ). I’m utterly exhausted, easily irritated. My body has a “pain pulse”, pain pulses through my joints and muscles like a heart beat. My reproductive psychiatrist is confident I am not showing signs of Post Partem Depression but we need to make sure I’m okay. She reccomends better self care, counseling, and if needed I can bump my Paxil up from 40mg a day to 50mg. I’m seriously considering bumping it up today. I’m doing a bit better with self care. We have dinner at my parents later, which as much as I don’t want to leave the house it will be nice to see them and not have to make dinner. There will also be presents which is fun. I’m hoping my feeling awful isn’t the start of the post pregnancy flare up. I was hoping that awfulness would wait until the three month mark like it did with my son. I’m hoping to do some posts this year that aren’t just my daily log. We’ll see what I can come up with.

30 January 2016

I’m too tired to write out all the things I need to but wanted to check in. I’ve waited far too long to take my second dose of painkillers and my brain is mush. I know better than to push back drug times just because I’m feeling okay. Today was a rough day mentally. Physically I’m mostly exhausted. Except for the last hour where the pulse of pain throbbing along my nerves has steadily increased. I’ve realized I’m lumping all my pain together again so in the future I will be changing the format of my posts to clarify things a bit. The child needs to go to bed too, it’s actually past his bed time. I’m too sore and tired to move.

Fuck you Fibromyalgia. And fuck you shitty economy that forces me to work. And fuck you arthritis while I’m at it.

A lot of changes are coming. Hopefully it will all work out and I will feel a bit better and will have more time to write and such.

Much love. 💜🙏🏻

Mini Update-Jan 7 2016

Pain levels have been around the 12-14 level for three days. Can’t afford NOT to work. I REALLY need to get school organized. I’ve been on the verge of tears for three days. My New Years resolution to quit while ahead and stop smoking after about a week has failed. I’m still only smoking four or five a day, which compared to my previous level of AT LEAST a pack is pretty good. I know in the long run it’s not helping but it’s that or I literally break things, and lose my shit. Like hysterics. I have a job to go to, a family(myself included) to take care of, I don’t have the luxery of losing my shit right now. Although I’m sure it’s not helping in the trying to conceive department. Speaking of work, off I go. Much love. 💜

Funny How Things Change

Sometimes baffled and amused by this, sometimes it makes me ugly cry. 
Less than ten years ago I was working six days a week at St. Paul’s Hospital; Five of those days were spent baking about 500 muffins a day(from scratch), loaves(like lemon and banana) and every other week you’d throw on cookies and crisps and such. That sixth day I was working culinary, cooking the lunch and dinner for the patients.

Now?

I struggle to make cookies from pre-fab rolls. Bye mostly assembled gingerbread houses for my son to decorate. I used to make wedding cakes. I don’t think I could pipe a straight line anymore to save my life.

Fuck you, Arthritis 

My hands don’t look much different on the outside, they are sneaky lying bastards.