January 6th, 2012

So my New Years resolution was to write in this blog everyday. Obviously I am a little behind, but hey, better late then never right?

First off, the major updates.

I am four and a half months pregnant and have had to stop all my medications except for the following:
Wellbutrin, 150mg twice daily
Cipralex, 15mg once daily

As for supplements:
Vit D: 1,000 IU daily
Prenatal Vit: 1 daily
Omega 3: 3 daily

Needless to say things have been rather dire. The longer I am off the meds the more they clean out of my system and the worse I feel. I am currently not working outside of minor homemaker duties and minor baking orders. Going to the doctor today to ask about medical EI until I can start maternity leave. Regardless of the cash flow I cannot work either way so we are tightening our belts as they say. I am becoming quite the student of “frugal homemaking”. One of the useful things is that with me not working I actually have energy to make food at home which saves a lot.

The supplements are making a minor dent in my condition, and by minor I mean essentially non-existent. I hope that at the very least they are keeping some of the stiffness away and helping my baby develop healthy since I am getting no actual pain relief from them.

Still haven’t gotten in to see a new Rheumatologist. Playing the waiting game as usual. Starting to have some major incidents with friends and family who, because my condition is “invisible”, they seem to think I’m weak or faking or lazy. Especially now that I am not working. I wonder what they will say when the baby is a year old and I tell them I’m not going back to work. I have been getting a lot better at standing my ground though, I’m doing my best to remember how to be that feisty, “I’m not taking anybodies crap” kind of woman I used to be. Slowly but surely she is returning. I didn’t realize how lost she had become until I started to find her again. Funny what 15 years of chronic pain will do to a persons will and self esteem. Feels good to be getting back up off the floor again though. Or remaining there, depending on how sore I am that day, hehe!

I have not seen my counselor in months, mainly due to my inability to get out of the house for extended periods of time. I am going to call her next week and set something up. My next ultrasound is on the 21st of January. I get to go see a Psychiatrist who specializes in pre and post natal women on the 22nd of February which should be interesting at the very least. Next midwife appointment is the 18th of January if I remember correctly.

My sleep patterns are being severely effected. Between the “normal” pregnancy symptoms and the return of my high level pain and restless “leg” (or in my case BODY) syndrome I haven’t been sleeping well or much. I have days where I will sleep for 10 to 12 hours, wake up for 3 then go back to sleep for a few, and repeat. Then there are days like the last few, where I will catch 6 hours if I’m lucky and only brokenly.

I find it amusing that I used to hate the idea if being on meds, but now that I can’t take them I want them so badly. It is definitely worth it. Every flutter and spin of this little life inside me reminds me why it is worth it. But Gods does it hurt.

As for my report today:

I don’t remember how much I slept. I am exhausted. I could not fall asleep until around 1am, which when I passed out rather than fell asleep nicely. Woke up around 6:30am. Haven’t been able to get back to sleep.

Pulsing needle like pain is beginning on the left side of my spine, creeping underneath my shoulder blade, up over the actual curve of shoulder and collar bone. The tingling feeling is starting too which is never good. As it creeps up my neck I can feel a headache starting. Feels like something is trying to pull the centre of my skull in and push it out all at the same time. Left eye has the same feeling. Tingling is creeping over slowly but surely to the right side of my spine and shoulder as well. Hands are stiff, swollen and hot but no major pain yet. Elbow on the left side is starting to get tender. Lower back is also tender along with knees, ankles, feet and toes.

I am going to try to catch some more shut eye before I have to travel to the doctor to ask for the documentation I need. I am bring my Mom as backup!

Meds: 15mg Cipralex


Pain: 9

Mood: 7


2 thoughts on “January 6th, 2012

  1. It’s wonderful to see that fight back in you. I wish the people in our lives wouldn’t make us have to fight, but they can often be the worst ones, and can be vicious on a level that strangers could never be. I know that “forgive and forget” tends to be ingrained in our culture, especially with women, but I’d suggest you NOT forget. Don’t become bitter, but don’t forget the people that have shit on you, and certainly don’t forgive them. You deserve better.

  2. *smooches*
    Thanks love.
    It’s funny in that bad way how family can be the most hurtful. I am most definitely NOT forgetting. I am being civil, but I am also getting up in peoples faces when they get in mine. I’ve had quite enough of people telling me “Oh I feel that way too! It’s just the weather!” or “Just stop thinking about it so much!”. My latest tactic is to offer to take them to my next Rheumy appointment, hehe!

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