October 13th, 2011

Good Morning folks.

I feel sore and stiff but pretty God damned happy. I’ve never quit a job in my life. Until today. And I’m not even giving them the courtesy of a phone call. I was hyperventilating while trying to leave the house. And the thought of calling made it worse. So yeah. I’m done. And of all the people I’ve worked for they were by far the worst. So I don’t feel bad about not going or not calling. I just can’t do it anymore. I still feel pretty stressed, cuz I know they’re gonna call at some point…calls I don’t plan on answering…once that’s over and done with I will feel much better. I think I’ll go down to the garden around the time they will be calling and just hang out with my plants.

I don’t think everybody in my life is going to be exactly pleased about it but they’ll just have to suck it up. It’s HIGH time I stopped dictating my life around what others want and need and started focusing on what my body is telling me. I mean Hell, if Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromylagia aren’t damn good reasons to stop doing this and take care of myself, the raging anxiety and depression should be. I feel like a bit of a knob because I still feel like I need “permission” to be doing this. I’m 29 years old! Why do I need permission??? Let alone the laundry list of health issues. So, I will spend my day wrapped up in cozy blankets, finish applying for the stay at home part time call centre job I found, and let the Universe take care of the rest. Will update as needed.

General rundown: headache, nausea, raging anxiety(which is slowly abating), exhaustion, stiff, tender, tingling fingers and toes, tightening muscles around spine, burning pain starting in right shoulder

Pain: 6

Mood: 7.5

Meds: Wellbutrin x 1

Weather: Cold, slightly overcast, 6°, pressure 102.50 kPa and rising

October 5th, 2011

It’s raining. It’s cold. We all know what this does to me.

This is day two of not being at work. I won’t go into details but let’s just say that work is NOT WORKING for me. And I’m not going back. The place gives me so much bloody anxiety that I had to get my hubby to call them for me yesterday to tell them I wouldn’t be coming in today either. I was getting the general impression that I wasn’t going to be there much longer anyways. Apparently I was the first person they had hired for the position that had stayed for more than two months. That’s enough on that subject though. It’s done and over with. Well, it will be after my doctor’s appointment today.

Weird dreams again. Apparently I was Sailor Moon and Rob was Tuxedo Kamen(Tuxedo Mask for any of you who only know about the North American version). In some warehouse with row upon row of freezer’s full of food, and shelves of beverages. The Inner and Outer Senshei were there too. And then it morphed, still the same place but it was some sort of prison and there were about 6 guys who were trying to help their one buddy in a wheelchair escape. They found this map and followed this tunnel and got him out. Then I followed wheel chair guy around. Like I said. Weird.

For other reasons I won’t get into at the moment I have stopped taking everything but my antidepressants. Needless to say, this seriously screws with my ability to do much of anything. It has also left me feeling overly emotional and fragile. Today is better than yesterday, but it still sucks.

Today will be another tea and blankets day.

So above are pictures I took of my hands when I first woke up this morning. Beats me if anyone can actually tell what’s wrong with them. But I can. Knuckles are swollen, red, and stiff. They kind of feel like there’s water balloons around them. I’ve been awake for a few hours now and  it’s gone down a little bit. I figured some actual photo documentation might be helpful in giving people a better idea of what my body does.

Anyways. Will update later.

Meds:

Supplements:

Pain: 7

Stiffness: 7

Mood: 6

Weather: Rain, 12 °, 82% humidity, wind E 17 km/h, pressure 99.88 kPa