September 29th, 2011

Made it to 4:15am today. Feeling tired but in a little less pain. Had some twitching/spasms last night while trying to fall asleep. It wans’t too bad comparatively. I have to remember that pills are not going to magically make me well, they just help me cope. Went and got the second quilt so now I’m nice and toasty. Have a seminar today on email marketing, so I don’t actually have to be at work. I think the address is VCC, so I’m going to check out the adictions counsellors course while I’m there. Anyways. I’m going to try to get back to sleep.

September 28th, 2011

Ooo! Three posts in a row! Yay for me!
Woke up at 3:30am again. Forgot to mention that when I wake up I always need to the bathroom and eat a small carb ridden snack if I can find one. I don’t know how healthy this is but if it gets me to sleep I’m not complaining. The melatonin I’ve been taking does help me get to sleep, but it’s not helping me sleep straight through. Seriously considering axeing the cyclobemzaprine before bed so I can start taking sleeping pills. Took the tremor drug a good half hour before bed, only minor twitches. So that was a success. Hands are stiff and painful, there’s a headache settling in above my eyes and my eyes hurt. Getting some stabbing pains in the right knee that radiates out in this dull ache up to my hip. Going to try to catch some sleep if I can before I have to get up for work.


So I wrote the first half at like 3am. Now I’m writing the second half at 8:45pm. Weird brain schedule. Definitely coming down with some sort of plague. So is Rob. Or maybe we’re both just terribly burnt out. We have 3 days at the cabin at the end of the month. CAN’T WAIT!! Work was downright awful. came very close to taking three adivan today. Won’t get into details but the basic gist is that I never know where I stand, every day the rules seem to change, and I just simply cannot handle the stress it seems. I thought that a 9-5 job would be easier for me to handle. No such luck. I’m not sure how to bring this up with the hubby. Cuz I’m not gonna make it the year it’s gonna take to get CPP rolling. And that’s even assuming that they will even give it to me. When I got home and sat down on the couch I promptly fell asleep. Woke up at 7pm. Then made Mac & Cheese, tossed in a load of dishes while Rob took out the garbage and started laundry. As soon as the 2nd load is in the dryer its off to bed. Everything hurts. Along with my sinus and eyes. Tomorrow is a another day.

Meds: 2 ativan, 2 wellbutrin, 2 regular strength tylenol, 15 mg cipralex, 1  carbidopa/levodopa 25mg/100mg

Pain: 7

Stiffness: 7

Mood: 5-6

Anxiety: 8-9

Weather: clear but chilly

September 27th, 2011

What’s so special about 3am? It’s like clockwork! Had to get a second quilt, freezing to death definitely doesn’t help with trying to sleep.
Need to take my spasm meds earlier. Took them right before bed and had crazy spasms again. I really need to research on “restless leg syndrome”. My hands/wrists/fingers and all to way up to my mid bicep hurts, aches.
I’m going to try to get back to sleep.


Ok. it’s 8:30pm. Feels like 3am. I’m completely and utterly exhausted. My joints are stiff and sore. My eyeballs hurt. Woke up late, didn’t make myself late for work, but it threw off my entire routine. So I fell into the routine at work. I didn’t concentrate on anything except what needed to be done. Almost zombie like. I was so focused I didn’t even have to take a second dose of ativan. I was pretty much running the show by myself from about 2:30pm and onward. So it kept me really busy. Didn’t realize until after I was out of work and halfway to the Skytrain how completely beat I was. Got home, ate tasty but spicy slow cooker chili. They I vegetated on the couch for a bit and now I’m heading to bed. Everything hurts. Literally. And yet I’m strangely zen about the whole thing.

Meds: 2 wellbutrin, 1 ativan, 15mg Cipralex, 1 cyclobenzaprine, 1  carbidopa/levodopa 25mg/100mg

Supplements: 1 folic acid, 4ooo iU Vit D, 9mg melatonin

Pain: 7-8

Stiffness: 8-9

Mood: 6-7

Weather: partial cloud, sun, light-heavy rain, temps in the lower teens

September 26th, 2011

Let’s see, what’s happened since I last wrote.

Went to the doctor’s on Friday. Told him about the severe twitching/spasms when I go to sleep. It’s the weirdest thing. Barely happens during the day, but once I crawl into bed and try to sleep things go all crazy. So he put me on Levodopa/Carbid 100/25 APO, which strangely enough is a Parkinson’s Disease drug. It’s funny how even a year or two ago I would have refused all this medication. I guess it’s a testament to how awful I feel. Oh, DISCLAIMER…I’m rather cranky this morning. It’s raining, and cold. Well, cold in my universe anyways. But I seem terribly sensitive to temperature. The meds are working wonders. I can go to sleep now and not feel like I’m having a seizure, or have Rob wake me up cuz he thinks I’m Actually having a seizure.

What else…spent the rest of Friday hanging out with Mum and Parker. Rode the bus and the Skytrain. Parker REALLY REALLY like’s the “blue one’s!”, and the “macs!”, which are Mac Trucks(like the long haul trucking kind of ones). He talks up a storm now. Went for a drive out to the wilds of Delta to pick up my package from West Coast Seeds. Now that I know how far away it is, I’ll just have it sent to my house. Package included a good book on canning and preserving, Fall Rye to plant as a cover crop in the garden, Windsor Beans to plant in the spring, and this little seed thing to help me plant tiny seeds.

Saturday I gardened like crazy. Harvested a TON of stuff that I am still freezing/canning.

All this weather is making me extra stiff and sore.

Gotta go for now though, off to work (BLECH!).

Im to tired to update fully.

Meds: 1 ativan, 2 wellbutrin, 15mg Cipralex, 1 cyclobenzaprine, 1 of the new ones

Supplements: 4,000 iu Vit D, 1 folic acid, 3 Digestive Enzyme, 1 prenatal vit, 3 melatonin

Pain: 6 – 7

Stiffness: 8.5

Mood: 6

Weather: rain, cold, pressure 101.05kPa, wind warning

September 21st, 2011

The monsoons are upon us. It hasn’t started pouring yet, but rainy season is pretty much on our heads. I can feel it in my bones.

I feel pretty miserable at the moment. The “no pain killer” experiment ended a couple days ago. I can’t function at work without them. Which in and of itself means I shouldn’t be working. I just need to keep going for a few more months. Well, maybe a year? I see my GP on Friday. I’m going to talk to him about how I’ve been feeling mentally and physically. A very dear family friend gave me the information for her RA Specialist. The other doctor that another dear friend mentioned hasn’t even called me back. It’s almost been a year. So I’m going to try another one. I am hoping to get documentation of my “prolonged and severe” discomfort. You’re almost guaranteed to get on CPP if you can get that in your documentation. And then it takes another 6 months to hear back from them apparently. I can at least get the ball rolling. I think I’ve been avoiding it for so long because I don’t want to be “disabled” before I even hit my 30’s. But I can’t hide it anymore, I can’t deny it to myself or others. I have to stop working or risk some sort of other medical disaster from the meds I have to take just to get out out of the house in the morning. Or a mental breakdown for that matter. I’ve realized through trial and error that if I DON’T want to get fired from my job for panicking over every little detail I will have to take two doses of Ativan daily. All the deep breathing and positive thinking in the world was not working to quell the urge to hide under my desk in the fetal position and cry.

I actually slept through the night. On one hand it’s good cuz I’m not feeling quite so dumb, maybe Zombie Stage 3 instead of 5(I love you Dad!). On the other it really sucks because it took a Celebrex a few hours before bed, as well as the usual dose of  cyclobenzaprine, cipralex, and 9mg of melatonin to achieve it. And as I lay curled up against my hubby’s side, drifting off, the twitches returned. What my GP is calling “restless leg syndrome”. Although it does happen in my arms and shoulders too, but mainly the legs/hips. This awful clench and release that makes the rest of my body shudder because it HURTS. I didn’t notice them before, I guess the sleeping pills were taking me under deep enough that I didn’t remember. I remember my honey whispering to me last night as I floated between sleep and consciousness, “Are you taking your meds again? This is the first time this has happened in about 3 days.”, which I replied yes too. So he told me to take all my pillows out from under my head and just lay on my back and it helped.

See the last week, not dosing myself like I was, stopped a lot of the tremors/spasms. I was taking the minimum of all my meds. 2 Wellbutrin, 15mg Cipralex, and one Cyclobenzaprine. The down side of this was I’ve felt like death. The burning type pain just kept getting worse. So yesterday I took 3 Cyclobenzaorine(My back/shoulder/neck woke me up at 3:30am), and one Celebrex when I got home. along with the anti-depressants. And lo and behold the twitching started again. Today I’m trying a different route. the Usual Suspects(my daily min doses) and one Celebrex in the morning. When I get home tonight I will lay on the couch with the heating pad and not take anymore than that. And hopefully that will alleviate some of my discomfort without having freaky random twitches and spasms when I try to go to bed.

What hurts: burning pain shifting in intensity along the “t” (the neck/upper spine, shoulders), focused mainly on my left shoulder and radiating out from there. Sore hips, arms, hands/wrists/fingers.


Too tired to write.

Meds: 2 Wellbutrin, 1 Celebrex, 2 Adivan, 1 Cyclobenzaprine, 15mg Cipralex

Supplements: 4,000 iU Vit D, 4 digestive enzyme, 9mg Melatonin

Pain: 8-9

Stiffness: 7

Mood: 3-5

Weather: cloudy, expecting rain, 101.54kPa, RAIN

Food: 2 pkgs(4 pcs) coconut milk rice crackers, I cant remember

September 17th, 2011

I woke up at 430am yesterday and layed in bed for an hour trying to go back to sleep,to no avail. So I got up and puttered around the internet doing nothing useful. Eventually got motivated around noon and took the bus to the mall.

I picked up a couple months worth of Wellbutrin, a bottle of SISU brand cal-mag wafers(in chocolate malt flavour!), and a bottle of Prairie Naturals Enzyme-Force on the reccomendation of a friend. Will keep you posted on how that goes. Was very stiff and sore most of the day,hamstrings feeling particularly tight. Walked home and vegetated,made dinner and fell asleep relatively easily

Meds: 2 Wellbutrin, 15mg Cipralex, 1 Cyclobenzaprine

Supplements: 1 digestive enzyme, 1 B50 Complex, 1 Jamison Maternity Vitamin, 1 Folic Acid

Pain: 7-8

Stiffness: 8

Mood: 6-7


Woke up stiff and sore around 7:30am. Hands/wrists/fingers and spine particularly painful. Did some modified forward folds,twists, and downward dog. Loosened me up a bit. Still felt like there was glass in my hands and hips.

Spent the morning rummaging through Adbusters. Left the house around 10am, about 5 minutes out the door my back started to tighten up. Now it feels like an alien baby is burrowing in underneath my left shoulder blade. Headache, mild nausea,foggy headed. Also was getting more anxious as the morning went on so out came the adivan. Im glad I brought my cane. I dont think Ill be able to help Rob for more than one more weekend. Will update.

Meds: 1 Wellbutrin, 1 Adivan

Supplements: 4,000 iu of Vit D, 1 digestive enzyme

Pain: 7

Stiffness: 6

Mood: 5

Weather: 12 degrees, raining, 100% humidity, 101.68 kPa

September 14th, 2011

So I’m on day 3 of my “no pain killer” experiment.

In an effort to up my chances of getting pregnant and because I was starting to take them out of habit, I’ve been severely restricting my meds. Still taking the anti-depresants of course. Day before yesterday, all I took was my anti-depressants. Did more stretching throughout the day and had a long hot bath when I got home. Or was it a long hot shower in the morning? I can’t remember. That day wasn’t too bad. Yesterday things started to ramp up a bit. Very stiff and achy in the morning. Stretching helped a bit. I was almost at work when my anxiety sky rocketed. Didn’t take any meds throughout the day. About halfway through my shift the inflammation in my right shoulder “bloomed”, which is my best way to explain it. Starts as a few twinges, then it sorta opens out in all directions from the joint. Muscle relaxants do not work for this. And since I’ve banned myself from taking noninflammatorys I’m kinda hooped. Got home, alternated between laying on the couch and trying to write. I got a paragraph done. Which is better than nothing. Took a T1 about an hour after I got home. Then a MR a bit before bet. The random twitches in my body were getting troublesome.

So. As for today. Whole body ache. The shoulders, hips, hands and wrists and middle of my back definitely more than achy. Did some stretching. Took some adivan right away since I already feel like crying. Here’s to hoping the day goes well.



Okay. I’m actually updating on time! Whoo!

Work was busy. My back was very sore and stiff by the time I was done. VERY tired. I think I’m more tired now that I’m taking less painkillers than I was taking them. Went out to West Vancouver with Rob. Wandered around the Asian market, “Osaka”. And now we’re home and I’m going to sleep.

Meds: 2 wellbutrin, 1 adivan, 15mg Cipralex, 1 cyclobenzaprine


Pain: 7-8

Stiffness: 8

Air Pressure: 101.74 kPa, pressure at 9:45pm: 101.37 kPa

September 10th, 2011

There’s a bite to the air this morning. That underlying chill of oncoming Autumn. It’s refreshing but demoralizing all at the same time. Took a long hot shower to loosen everything up. But I’ve been out for about half an hour now and my back is starting to lock up again. I am working with the hubby today for about 6 hours. Then I’m off to the good ole’ Wheelhouse Pub to see my brother for his birthday party. It will be the first time I’ve stepped into a pub since I entered recovery. Will keep the adivan close at hand. My Dad also said he would come pick me up and take me home whenever I needed to go. I don’t like the idea of going into a bar, but I miss my brother a lot, and I want to see him. My experiment with Celebrex yesterday was a lot more successful then I like to admit. Funny how it pisses me off when that drug works. I’m going to dose up again today and possibly tomorrow. Just a few days to bring the inflammation down to a somewhat manageable level. Off I go for now. Need to water my poor parched garden before I make the trek to West Van.

Meds: 1 Wellbutrin, 1 Celebrex, 1 Cyclobenzaprine

Pain:7 and climbing

Stiffness: 4

Mood: 6 and fluctuating

September 8th, 2011

Well it’s another day.

It’s sunny, supposed to be warm. I’ve only been awake for about half an hour. I’m stiff, hands and wrists are painful, the spot between my shoulder blades is in it’s beginning stages, kind of tingly. Anxiety is running pretty high because of things at work that I won’t get into. I’m taking everything one day at a time. So as I said, today is a new day, a new beginning. Let’s hope the Gods smile upon me and help me make this a good one. To help me remember how strong I can be.



By the time I got home my back had locked up completely. Hasn’t been this bad in a long time. I think it’s time to invest in a barometer. I hopped into the tub with lots of epsom salts and cammomile and lavender and it eased a bit. I’m pretty much going to bed now, its starting to hurt again.



Meds: 2 Wellbutrin, 1 Adivan, 1 cyclobenzaprine, 1 T1 w/ codiene, 15mg Cipralex

Supplements: 1 folic acid, 1 fish oil, 3 VitD

Pain: 6-9

Stiffness: 8

Mood: 6 – anxious, tired, feeling unsure of myself.

September 7th, 2011

It is the 7th today right? My memory seems to be getting worse, or maybe I’m just paying more attention. Been having this weird pain pattern in my right hand. The wrist, the meaty part near the thumb, stiffness in the joints, and the middle knuckle of the middle finger hurts a lot. It’s not too bad today. I think it has to do with how I use the hand at work. I hold a pen with the index finger and thumb and type with the middle finger. I’m working on training myself not to do that.

My back feels like there is a chain saw trying to escape from it today. Guess I’ve been overdoing it with the Fall Cleaning. It’s funny, I don’t usually do Spring Cleaning, but when Fall rolls around Im all over it.

Anxiety when I first get to work is becoming a regular thing.

Will update later.

Meds: 1 cyclobenzaprine, 2 Wellbutrin, 2 adivan, 1 naproxen

Mood: 6

Pain: 8 and climbing

update, 5:40pm
Well, that was the day from hell. My right shoulder feels like its slowly being ripped from my body, and the muscles down my ribcage and neck are slowly following. Head hurts. Right hand only minor twinges,left hand is doin allright. The chainsaw has lengthened to include the base of the spine to around mid back. An epsom salt bath may be in order. See above for further dosing.