I know summer has officially passed when the apples start to show up at the markets and my sudden and overwhelming need to can kicks in.
I can’t really say that I can feel it in my bones because the weather never really was good enough for me to notice much of a difference. My morning stiffness is pretty bad this morning. I do some heavily modified forward folds in the morning to loosen up. I sit on the edge of the bed with my feet resting on the frame and carefully bend forward between my knees, letting my head hang to help loosen everything. Yesterday I could go forward enough that I could just barely touch chest to thighs and could almost touch my chin to my chest. This morning I bent forward maybe half a foot, tipped my head a matter of inches.
I’m starting to feel every bone again, coloured with a dull throbbing ache. If not medicated this will turn into screaming burning pain. So I dosed up early this morning.
The stress over my sick kitty is not helping I’m sure. Errands after work consist of going to the in laws for dinner and to pick up the 10 lbs of pickling cucumbers she found for me. I also have local apples, peaches and nectarines that will find their way into jars.
My sleep is becoming heavily disrupted again. Waking up about once an hour, having major sweats, and can’t seem to find a comfy spot.
I wonder if I could be elible for disabilty/cpp yet.
Will update later.
Meds: 1 wellbutrin, 1 cyclobenzaprine, 1 naproxen, 1 lidocaine, 1 tiger balm
Woke up stiff and exhausted. Feeling sad, melancholy I think is the right word. Nothing is horrendously painful yet. I wish I could stop feeling so blah. I do make an effort every day to think positive, it just gets tiring having to remind myself EVERY SINGLE DAY. Anyways. I’m not going ramble on about how out of sorts I feel today. I’m off to work.
Home from work. Feeling out of sorts still. I don’t think working a basic office job like this should stress me out so much. But I highly doubt I qualify for benefits like CPP at this point. If my Mum can’t get CPP with her crazy back, I don’t know how I’m going to. I’ve been doing Primerica appointments but they seem more exhausting than my actual work. And to make the equivalent of what I am right now I would have to work almost as much as I do now with my 9-5 job, if not more. *sighs*
My plan at the moment is to work for as long as I can, I’m going to try to make it through a year of this job. If I can do that then the bills should be paid off or down enough so I don’t have to work. It’s rather depressing that I can’t seem to do this job either. I can’t remember shit. Like nothing. I say hello on the phone and the client will give me their name and about 1 second later my mind is blank. Or Ill answer a call for the Chef or the Catering Manager and from the time I ask the persons name and why they are calling, to putting them on hold, then calling whoever I need to for the call I forget almost EVERYTHING. I don;t know if I’m being overly sensitive but sometimes I really feel that they think I’m stupid. It’s just a tone of voice sometimes, or a look. I don’t know. Apparently I think everyone is the enemy and is out to get me. And I try to remind myself that they aren’t but then I just fall back into that happy depressive state, “Everything’s Fine! Everything’s fine!”, so on and so forth.
I was generally stiff all day, the inflammation in my right shoulder flaring up in the early afternoon like it usually does. A few dizzy moments, but that may have been from the adivan. I fought off crying randomly throughout the day. Was very sore all over on the way home, developed a bad headache with shoulder/neck/back pain right after I left work. Laying down on the couch and eating dinner has helped a bit.
Time for me to sleep though. Until tomorrow dear readers.
Meds: 2 wellbutrin, 1 folic acid, 2000 iu Vit D, 1 naproxen, 1 cyclobenzaprine, 2 melatonin, 15mg Cipralex
Well I’m alive that’s always a good sign. I don’t have anyone or anything to blame but myself really. I know better. I’ve spent the last year slowly turning away from all the guidelines I have for living with my digestive conditions. Yesterday by body decided to fight back finally.
I spent at least an hour straight in the bathroom, my insides feeling like the were slowly being ripped out. I haven’t felt pain like that since baking school. I was feeling sick to my stomach, had the sweats, almost cried. And thats what I get for eating whole grain pancakes and green grapes. That wasn’t the only thing of course, its been a slow build up to this.
So I’m feeling pretty rotten and worn out today. One of those days where I’d like to call in sick, but can’t. And I’m late for work to boot. That’s all for now.
Im on the way home from work. Kinda feel like Ive been hit by a truck. No extended bathroom visits so far. Theres lots of rumblings from the deep. Feeling exhausted. The “T zone” is starting to ache, right shoulder, headache, among the tender sides. Bloated up like a dead whale. Picked up 2L of “Oat Dream”, I love my almond milk but its pricey. And a L of chocolate Rice Dream. Hopefully it will be tasty. Im still in transit, trying to get home. Which is making my back hurt. I put down the one umbrella we have, a really nice $75 or so one from the golf course, and completely forgot about it. Which makes me feel like an ass. Oh the bus is moving! I might write more later.
Meds: 1 adivan, 2 wellbutrin, 1 cyclobenzaprine
I really need to pay more attention to this. I’m forgeting that I have good days again.
Mainly my back, shoulders and hands lately. It never occured to me that having a sit down job would be just as painful as my stand up job. It just hurts in different places. I don’t know how long I am going to be able to do this job either. I give it a year, MAYBE two, TOPS. And this is not me being pecimistic, just honest. CPP is notoriously hard to get though. I’m hoping I can make this Prinerica business work out, then I can bring in at least half of what I make now, for a fraction of the work. There is licensing training I’m suposed to be doing this weekend, but my back hurts too much. I only did two appointments this week and on top of my 9-5 and it knocked me completely out of the running.
I’ve got more news, but I’ll write about it tomorow.
MEDS: 3 x cyclobenzaprine, 2 x wellbutrin, 2 x extra strength tylenol, 15 x cypralex
SUPPLEMENTS: 2 x 1000 iu vitamin d