General Update – 23 July 2020

Rough day so far.
Autoimmune flare. Breathing is problematic. Pluerisy. Coughing. Shortness of breath. The only good thing about it is it makes my already sexy phone voice more husky, so possibly more sexy?

Immune system is being a shit and not letting things heal.
Anemia is manifesting, it was made worse with this last menstrual cycle. Heavy. Like elevator doors from The Shining. Clots. Flooding. Likely contributing to that air starved feeling.
Fighting a bladder infection that I initially thought was an International Cystitis flare. Second one I have had since I went into isolation. Fuck you Covid, for so many reasons.

Processing grief. Rummaged about in my Other Mum’s craft room and brought her serger sewing machine home. Also an encyclopedia on Needlework techniques. I feel like a thief. Her spirit insists I am not, and logically I know this. Grief is a bitch though. As is accepting and processing hard feelings.
Thank every God that has ever existed for therapy. I would be a royal mess right now without the skills I learnt in the last two years.

Tears. Lots of tears. Freely flowing. Which has been hard to come by the last few months. I may still hate crying but I have fully accepted how helpful it is for me in processing my emotions. Tears help your brain get rid of excess brain chemicals. ADHD means when I have emotions, of any kind, they are literally bigger. Higher levels of the brain chemicals associated with said emotions. So crying literally helps get rid of the emotions I am processing.

I get to wear my new shirt though. I don’t ever want to take it off. Made it with my bestie, yesterday. Favourite style of shirt, thanks to my other bestie for picking it out, AND camo print. Totally my jam. Witches. Pretty ladies. Red. Sparkles. Deliciousness. It’s seriously the best.

“Do You Want To Live Deliciously?”

Since solids are problematic before noon I made my version of bullet-proof coffee. Ups the calories. Lactose-free 10% coffee cream heated in the microwave, a tablespoon of butter, froth with an Aerolatte for as long as I can stand it. Pour into coffee. Add cinnamon. Stir. Enjoy. Delicious. Self-care. It is a lot of steps though so my executive function isn’t always feeling up to it.

The kiddo’s put the new She-ra on again so that’s fantastic.
I have also been unintentionally off of my psych meds for a week now. Issues with the pharmacy and clinic communicating about my refill. Currently awaiting a phone call from the clinic to get the refill sent to the pharmacy. Bleh.

Asshole Ankle

I remember as a child, the joy of leaping from trees, that high of free fall, the solid thud when my feet hit the ground. While I have never liked falling, it never used to slow me down. When my disorders flared and kicked in falls became devastating. My first serious fall was the first year I lived in Surrey. I was trying out for track and field, the relay race, and totally bailed into the gravel. It was my right knee that failed me then. I started seeing doctors shortly after that, I was 14 I believe.

Last night I had my first serious fall inside. I have bailed a few times when wandering about the forest and stuff but most of those could be traced back to a physical object of some sort making my uncooperative meatsuit fail.

Last night all I did was lift up onto the ball of my right foot to climb up onto my very high bed.

I felt my ankle give, it’s not an unfamiliar feeling. Since I severely sprained it dog walking it’s always been extra pissy. The issues with my metatarsal joints just made worse by my defective connective tissue being stretched out more by the injury. So that didn’t surprise me. What did surprise me was landing on my back on the floor. Usually I can compensate and kind of bypass it, kind of hauling myself up with brute strength.

I guess the combination of barometric pressure crash, plus exhaustion, plus everything flaring…but yeah. Regardless I hit the floor hard and while I have no bruises I am tender, both physically and mentally. I needed to use my cane in the house for the first time. Which also happens to be the first time I have used the cane I got from my Uncle, who passed away in November.

I had a good cry about it then put the new rubber bottom on. It’s a lot nicer to use than my all metal one, I assume because the wood absorbs some of the shock. I’m going to have to talk to the doctor about this ankle. Since getting my orthotics the ankle pain is rare. Obviously now I know it’s still fucky and I might need more effective hardware to protect the joint.

Mother’s Day 2020

Thank you to all the self identified Mother’s out there, for EVERYTHING that you do. Often it is most of our work isn’t noticed, let alone recognized.

Thank you to the birth-givers on this day, if Mother is not your preferred title.

Thank you to all the Mothers of all kinds on this day. Regardless of where your babies come from or what species they are. Nurturing another soul is precious and divine work.

To those whose Mothers, and or children are are no longer in physical form, I see you. I hear you. I hold space for you.

To those whose Mothers were horrible, or awful, or non-existent in their lives, I see you. I hear you. I hold space for you.

Since I became a Mother, this day has always been hard. My first Mother’s Day was spent in deep mourning for the babe I had lost. This day, more than anything, makes me think of him. This year is compounded with the loss of my “other” Mom last year. This is the first one without her. Her birthday is tomorrow. Her death anniversary in late June. My own Mother had a very bad health scare last week. Not being able to get together and celebrate like we usually do is just awful icing on this shitty cake.

I am eternally grateful to the Universe for the babies that lived, who brighten every day of my life. I look forward to my annual offering of a live orchid. I look forward to seeing my Mom and thanking her for all she has done and continues to do for me. I am extremely thankful that I can go see her for a few minutes and give her a hug. Particularly in the middle of a global pandemic.*

My love goes out to everyone really, on this day. Our Mother’s, present or absent, are HUGE forces in our lives. May your day be as peaceful and pleasant as it can be.

*For clarity, we are being extremely careful with physical contact. Our risk factors are extremely low, and we must balance social distancing with our mental health.

Service Dogs

**ANGRY RANT, YOU’VE BEEN WARNED**

Public Service Announcement:

Buying a pet as a “therapy” animal, then expecting them to just magically make ones mental health better is NOT A GOOD IDEA. PLEASE DO NOT ASSUME AN ANIMAL WILL MAGICALLY MAKE EVERYTHING OKAY. Especially if you just randomly picked a dog breed because you heard they are used as service dogs. Or randomly brought some other pet home thinking their mere presence will make you well. They deserve PROPER CARE, LOVE, AND TREATMENT.

PLEASE DO NOT ASSUME AN ANIMAL WILL MAGICALLY MAKE EVERYTHING OKAY. Especially if you just randomly picked a dog breed because you heard they are used as service dogs. Or randomly brought some other pet home thinking their mere presence will make you well. They deserve PROPER CARE, LOVE, AND TREATMENT.

Unless you train them to help you, they are just a pet confused as to why you are dissapointed in them
PLEASE GET YOUR ACTUAL SERVICE DOGS FROM VETTED ORGANIZATIONS. This is the ONLY way to guarantee that the dog has the proper temperament and training to actually assist you in your day to day life. A service dog has legal protection under the law and do things like lead you around, be your eyes, help you up, get things, etc. Examples would be Seeing Eye Dogs.

I believe the vast majority of service dogs are now trained to be emotionally and practically supportive. Examples being PTSD Service Dogs for war veterans.

This angry rant brought to you by the painful wilful ignorance and shitty attitude of Internet People

**I plan on writing a post on HOW one chooses a service or emotional support animal

Interstitial Cystitis Flare – 08/07/2019

Content warnings: blood, intimate details of my nether regions, urine

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So.

Things have been epically stressful in my life since June 24th.

I thought I was taking enough care with what I was eating and drinking. After all, it’s been YEARS LITERALLY since my Interstitial Cystitis was any sort of issue. It’s been so long I had to look up relief methods.

The flare isn’t entirely unexpected, but it still caught me a bit off guard. Symptoms include high pain levels (ache/burn) in my nether regions and lower abdomen, bladder spasms, urgency, light bleeding.

I have medicating with CBD/THC, acetaminophen, naproxen, and cyclobenzaprine. Drinking lots of water. Avoiding all trigger foods.

Check In – March 3, 2019

I am feeling very unwell today. The barometric pressure has been doing this rollercoaster thing for the majority of the winter. It’s been really rough. Particularly with having to recover from surgery.

The symptoms I’m having right now are the ones that really get to me. I’m used to pain and stiffness and having to gently push through it. These symptoms I can’t really alleviate the I can with pain and stiffness.

The list includes: dizzy, exhaustion, lethargy, light headed, unsteady on my feet, upright is hard. The longer I remain upright, the harder it is to do so. Shakes, swelling, feeling like I’m going to faint. Ugh.

Hernia Repair

I finally had my hernia repair done on January 24th. So I’m currently in the thick of recovery. Good news is that all went well and is healing well. Bad news is the doctor had to use abdominal mesh to fix it. I need to make an appointment to see my family doctor next week so hopefully I can get more information on what exactly happened. In four weeks I have to see my surgeon for the follow up appointment, then I can really get details.

I am disappointed that the mesh had to be used as it all but guarantees a second surgery. I am very happy to have it done though. Once the bulk of the healing is done I can start building my core muscles back. It’s been 7 years? 8? Since I had decent core muscle structure?

So yeah. There’s surgery update. I’m gonna medicate and try and sleep more now.

Symptom Tracker – “Asthma”

Tracking symptoms as I think I’ve noticed a correlation between my cough, night sweats, and exhaustion.

Day before yesterday chest tightness started. Took my puffer yesterday in the morning. Night sweats last night. Woke up wheezy and coughing this morning. Woke up exhausted last two days. Been working a lot more the last 2 weeks.

Must track longer to see what’s what. Maybe a Connective Tissue Disease related? I can’t see this being related to Fibromyalgia or Psoriatic Arthritis.

Winter Bones

I made it nine days this time without Naproxen. Only took it for three days before my ankle calmed down, which was nice.

What wasn’t nice was the sudden plummeting temperatures. So the nine days has ended. It will be a couple more days I think before these pain levels drop.

I think I will take it daily again but take special care around my period in case I need to take the Cambria for the now regular migraine.

My doctor’s office has once again dropped the ball and have not called about the appointment I need with a neurologist.

Sigh.

High pain levels really do a number on my mental health.